So this blog may seem a bit scattered, but hang with me--I promise it has a point.
A couple of months ago my eldest son turned 15---and opted to have a group of his buddies go rock climbing at a local gym and out for pizza, etc. 15 yr old boys are a hilarious group to hang out with--I recommend it for everyone. They are also very open, honest, and competitive. Their need to outdo the other on the rock climbing walls led to a very QUIET ride back home as they all all passed out LOL. But the most interesting part was a dinner---we went to this great Brick Oven pizza and everyone ordered their own personal creations. One kiddo starts talking that he will probably be moving this June because his mother is "in love"--said in a dramatically snarky fashion. Then he goes on to reply that she is so afraid to be alone and so desperate to have a man that she is planning a move after 3 weeks of knowing him. The boy was upset but trying to be cool about it---says, "I'm not even 16 and even I know that's not the way to love." I remember thinking---man, glad I'm not THAT mom---(remember this because it is important later.) I also remember wanting to grab that sweet young man and give him a big ole mommy hug, tell him to stay strong, and pray it'll all work out for them.
Around the same time, my besties, my girls decided that I need to become more girly and "put myself out there." It was doomed from the beginning. I'm closer to 40 than not and I can't remember ever really having a "girly" moment---but it was their mission and I allowed them to talk me into a transformation. The works---I got my hair cut and colored (great look btw), started wearing makeup regularly and wearing more than yoga pants, flipflops and tees. And I have to admit---the attention was kind of a pick-me-up to this momma. So much, that I yet again agreed to try the online dating scene again (a previously scarring fiasco that required a contingency plan involving my mother, a fake ER visit, and a well timed call from a deputy friend......yes it was THAT bad). Now at this point, I guess I should mention that I live in the middle of BFE Arkansas----solely to maintain a reasonable joint custody arrangement with the previously mentioned 15 yr old. It's an HOUR from anything and nobody gets here by accident----so needless to say the dating pool is non-existent, as are the opportunities for young people. Not to mention dating is hard, dating with kids is worse, and dating with a special needs kiddo is overwhelming and seemingly impossible.
So back to the online thing-----i really wasn't feeling it---and not sure what I really wanted----After all, I've convinced myself the last 7 or so yrs that I am content being single; no one is good enough or ready to meet the BUGMAN, etc, etc. Then this GUY messages me----something about if it weren't for the distance, he thinks we'd be a great match---I check him out----good looking, very solid background, single dad, etc. So we start chatting and it is going well.....really well. We talk about everything from the outdoors to travel to autism----REALLY talk about Autism---I lay out all the HARD parts----the parts people run from, the parts that scare people, the realities----because if he cannot handle those, he certainly doesn't deserve to meet the BUGMAN and enjoy the overwhelming long list of fabulous things about him. Guess what---he still wants to meet. So we do about 2-3 weeks in---and the date goes really well. We have instant chemistry; he was super easy to talk to and be around. Overall great experience.
During this time, the BUGMAN and I really start to get involved in a NWA homeschool group---a fabulous group of baby-wearers, all natural, holistic, nature/art loving people---our people. And they are wonderful with him---even when he's too rough or too loud or too HIM. We start to explore the area too---LOVE it. The parks, the museums, the activities, the resources---just so much more that I can give to him and his education in that area than I can here. So we make weekly excursions up there checking things out---the Bugman is loving it and says he loves how nice the people are to him there---they don't mind that he is weird, he says. So i contemplate what moving there would mean....because the logistics for us to move are way more than the average bear.....jobs, therapists, homes, parents, caregivers, doctors, etc.
Back to the guy----2 weeks after the first date we are planning to try another meeting---and the distance hits HIM----2 hours is a lot for 2 kids with no responsibilities to handle; its almost impossible for 2 adults with 4 kids between them to swing. The logistics alone are staggering---plus we both want that forever thing and its hard when he can't just pop over any time and vice versa. However, we decide we will still try a bit and have a 2nd date----it was still a good date, but there was something off------and a few days later he ultimately decides that he cannot handle the distance and needs more than we can pull off. I cannot blame him; don't feel upset; just disappointed that something so seemingly minute is, in reality, a major dealbreaker.....
So, in all this exploring and dating and continuing with my life journey, the journey of a local deputy was cut short in the line of duty. Working in Emergency management, having also been a dispatcher, having mostly EM friends (a lot of them LEOs), this hit way too close to home. My boys and I made posters to show our support and the decision to attend the memorial service for Deputy Sonny Smith. The processional alone had some 160 vehicles in it---the public turnout on the streets was overwhelmingly beautiful. Then the service---I'm not sure how many of you have had the honor of attending a memorial for a person in uniform--whether LEO, FF, Soldier--it doesn't matter---the brotherhood and the ceremonial components are moving. His 2 daughters spoke with such love and admiration for their daddy; his friends brought us to tears-----the memorials instill in you thoughts of admiration, patriotism, love, sadness.
So I get home from the service, had an amazing heart-to-heart with the 15 yr old about all that he witnessed---and then was left alone in the dark to my thoughts------and I was struck by the fact that I am very very alone. Forget that I've been anti-love, anti-relationship, etc---It hit me that my boys will soon be grown and gone---and I will still be alone. ALONE------that word is tremendously frightening in a way I hadn't accepted before----and I had the biggest pity party cry-fest known to man----it was pretty pathetic...... And it hit me (remember earlier)---I could easily be THAT mom----seeking love and fulfillment because being alone is a scary scary thought. And not so much the alone, but what have I done? What have I contributed to society and to mankind that didn't have some selfish reason behind it? What legacy will I leave behind if I died tomorrow?
I don't want this to be the entirety of my life-story-----and I don't want to be alone (those of you that know me---please wipe the shock off your face or I-told-you-so smirks). I am going to continue to put myself out there, and possibly take some risks---look for adventures and new places to explore, because ultimately I want my boys to have rich, fulfilling lives; to experience cultures and the arts; to love ALL of mankind; to volunteer and teach the world; etc. I may never date again (its too painful on the feels) but I will not be alone either----we shall go out into the world and engage it so that they know more than the walls of their tiny worlds. Let the adventures begin.......
