Well here it is, 2020---feels like its been eons since I felt like blogging or had something to say. But these past few months have been challenging and God has made his presence known repeatedly--and VERY clear this past week.
So the past couple of weeks I have been trying to decide what my word would be for 2020--what would I own and study and pray about for the coming year. Would it be change? Strength? Spiritual growth? Well it was revealed Sunday and lets just say, I wasn't happy. But things that create the most growth are rarely pleasing.
If you have read past blogs, you know that my youngest son is on the spectrum. You have read all about the ups and downs, the laughter, tears, and frustrations that come with a child like that. Well, it compares nothing to having a child in the throes of puberty and autism. It has been a very hard few months on him--he's all over the place emotionally; he is experiencing severe depression/anxiety, and regression in some of the strides we had made. But we have pushed through, doing what is needed to keep ourselves going. Until last week---last week he scared me with his ideations, he aggressed towards a teacher, he shut down emotionally. Friday when it came to blows--I sat in dispatch at work and emotionally lost it. I allowed myself a momentary weakness---because I felt completely helpless. And then I pushed through--because it is what I do---I put up a wall of defense and carried about business as usual. But inwardly I felt like I had found another super low to conquer.
Sunday rolls around and mom wants to know if she should bring Sean. I said yes, we need to be in church no matter how he is acting at the moment. Sean spends church in the back in an overflow room most Sundays---the sensory overload of a worship service are often too much for him. The pastor begins talking about how in Genesis there was DARKNESS before the light--talk about an AHA moment! Then he branches into the story of Noah and the Ark---how the ONLY window was above the door some 4 stories in the air--forcing those in the Ark to look UP to see the light. (Can we say Amen?) Now at this point, I'm sitting in our pew doing all I can to stop the flow of tears. Invitation time comes and I made way to the front of the church, visibly crying. As the preacher prayed over me, an instant peace came over me. I realized, as I should have, that we are not alone in this journey. Then come to find out Sean sat INSIDE the sanctuary during church with the Church dog--and was able to tell me what church was about. YALL this is HUGE!! And then he told me that his depression makes him feel like hes in a permanent eclipse----let that hit you; can you picture a more vivid description of what is like? To be able to see a halo of light but feeling stuck in the shadows unable to access it?
Later that evening when I couldn't sleep--it hit me what my word is for 2020: Vulnerability. If you know me even a little, vulnerability is not my strong suit. I see it as a weakness and I am well known for being that pillar of strength when everyone else is falling apart. It is who I am.
So, feeling very strongly this is what God was telling me--I decided to see what the Bible has to say about Vulnerability. Paul has plenty to say....
2 Corinthians 9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly will I boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 13:4 "For though He was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, but we shall live with Him by the power of God toward you."
Romans 7:15 "I do not do what i want, but I do the very thing that I hate."
Romans 8:37 "Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."
Paul recognized that despite how much he wanted to live for Christ, he was weak, he still fell in sin. He knew that any successes and strength he had only came through Christ---and in order to obtain it, he had to lay his weaknesses before Christ's feet; he had to allow himself to be vulnerable and ask for help.
At this time in Paul's life, Corinth was full of these SUPER Christians---they had the looks, the works, the legalism, etc. Can you imagine how they received Paul---he was homeless, probably smelly and disheveled. I can imagine their haughty scoffing at him as he preaches. Reminded me of Max Lucado's book YOU ARE SPECIAL. In the book there is a town of wooden puppets---and they received stickers for being the best--best paint, highest jumps, etc. The main character had none--he wasn't athletic; his paint was chipped--then he meets a puppet on whom the stickers do not stick. She told him it was because she knew her worth in the puppet masters eyes; in Him she was perfect.
Vulnerability means allowing uncertainty into one's life. It is also about turning your eyes to the window at the top of the Ark and seeing the light through the glass---and knowing who provides the light. I am the world's worst about turning to God in my times of need---or to anyone for that matter. Seems I have to be my most desperate to remember where my strength comes from---that in my weaknesses. my times of need, God is my pillar of strength. It doesn't get any better than that!
Lauren Daigle sings "In the darkest hour when i cannot breathe; fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me; everything is crashing down, everything i had known; when i wonder if I'm all alone--- I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER, YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL TO ME; I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER, EVEN WHEN MY OWN EYES COULD NOT SEE; YOU WERE THERE, ALWAYS THERE."
Mr. Rogers says the greatest gift you can give is your honest self. God wants our vulnerabilities---he knows our hearts, and He wants us to lay it all at his feet--and in Him we will be strong.
So here is to being Vulnerable and speaking honestly with God, myself, etc I claim it 2020, I claim it
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Monday, September 18, 2017
When the control freak is out of control
So I know this may be very hard for some of you to digest, but I, Misty Ford, am a control freak. And a healer/fixer with severe anxiety/depression to cope with. I remember distinctly having my first panic attack at the age of 7 yrs old because I couldn't remember how to spell the word "feel." I was always so small, shy--control of my environment was my safety net. It was a necessity to my survival or so I thought. In addition to needing control in my life, I am also a fixer---I hate conflict, discord, brokeness---So I try to keep it all together, to fix it. I have done this all my life as far back as my memory serves me. The flip side of this is the fact that I am completely and utterly out of control---from my mouth, to my actions, to my thoughts....I am all over the place. However, the majority of people will never know this much as I am very good at controlling how things appear.
What I also was as a child (despite being very outspoken/opinionated) was "the good kid;" "the teacher's pet." I followed most of the rules, didn't do anything very deviant. I towed the line, so to speak. Until I didn't.......and I've never been able to handle the ensuing chaos since then.
So where am I going with all of this? I have been battling very hard for the past 18 months or so a strong conviction. Battling, yes that would be the right word. Yet this same theme keeps popping up in the most random of places in my life---from a Bible lesson to a pinterest board, it is there. I first was hit with this lesson about 10 yrs ago. 10 years!!! I read this verse : "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh" Ezekiel 36:26. At the time I was really hit by the correlation in this verse and the stone being removed from the grave--Mary had to SEE the stone moved to know Jesus was arisen. With the removal of the stone, His words came to life---he was risen and in HIm we had eternal life. A new life. He has the ability to heal; the ability to remove the stones from our lives that are seemingly impossible to move. Hold on to this thought because it becomes really important in a minute.
NOw off on a little tangent....about 18 months ago I was HIT hard with a conviction about the verse that says we inherit the sins of our fathers--like 5 generations worth. Now if you know my parents, you know they are some of the most genuine, kind, giving people you will ever meet. I would be nowhere without them. What you don't know is that past generations were not this way. There was a lot of abuse and maltreatment on my mother's side of the family. 18 months ago I called my mom's baby brother and asked him if he felt those were inheritable traits. I asked him because just that day my grandmother had been very hateful, vicious and nasty towards me; and then tried to physically assault my youngest son. Now I had heard stories but she had never presented that side to me. And I was angry!! But not for the reasons that many might think---I became angry because in that moment, I was faced with a mirror image of myself. And I didn't like it. I hated it. I was angry because I had to face a truth and I wasn't ready; and I was terrified because I saw it. So I called my uncle; and I told him that I was afraid I had that propensity to be that evil, vicious person....especially when I feel out of control or anxious. I had caught myself saying stuff that was spiteful and nasty---and it resulted in the crestfallen face of my youngest son. My innocent sweet boy who knows nothing but love and forgiveness in his sweet heart.
But the worst part---I took out that disgust of myself on my sick grandmother. I wasn't mean to her, but I distanced myself from her. I put up walls. And it hurt her. I wasted valuable days that I had with her in pseudo-relationship mode I loved her very much, but I was too prideful to face the facts that I, Me, Misty, was broken. At her funeral last October the same uncle I confided in gave her eulogy. He talked about Jesus and his ability to save. He talked about Jesus' love for us and how it was displayed in the ultimate sacrifice for our future. He talked about how she came to know and follow God later in her life, and how she repented of the woman she used to be. And then he told this story.....Gigi spent the last 3 months of her life in a lot of pain. She was given pain pills but she refused to take them. She told my uncle that she didn't want to take them because they turned her into the woman she used to be--hateful, bullying, abusive. And she didn't want to hurt anymore people in her life. My grandmother---despite being in the ultimate pain and suffering, chose to endure so not to hurt any others. She suffered because of her love for me and my children. And I was so ungracious;
For the last year, I have struggled with this knowledge and the overwhelming guilt that comes with knowing one isn't worthy of the grace and mercy given. It really has been a reoccurring theme throughout my adult life, but this tangible, physical manifestion of Christ's love has been more than I can handle. In short, I've lost all control. Because for years (about 18 to be exact) I have struggled with the fact that God could love me with all the screw-ups I've made. Being a Christian as a young kid and teenager was easy---my life was very controlled and together, and therefore abiding in His love was an easy task. And even though God has repeatedly shown His love for me; and always provided just what I needed at the right times--I have struggled with accepting his Love for me.....accepting salvation as an adult after already been saved as a kid is intensely difficult. I imagine this must have been how Adam and Eve felt when they hid in shame due to their nakedness. THough they had freely abided in His love, their sin made them shameful and willing to hide from His love.
I cannot fix me. I have tried for years to hold on to all the broken pieces; all the shards. Hold them together deep inside so know one can see how broken I really am. For a natural healer or fixer, this is the ultimate battle. And I ask God all the time to fix me; to help but I cannot let go so the brokeness shows. I hide behind strong walls, facades built on kind words and actions---because if everyone thinks I have it together then perhaps I do. I pretend to dislike all people and to have disdain for all the stupid---but in reality I care too deeply. I pray for those around me; I try to show them love through food and encouragement and help them to see their redeeming qualities. Because in helping them I can ignore the brokeness in me. Only I can't anymore---I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm physically sick for the first time in 10 years. and I am struggling. I'm not sure how to let go and let God as the phrase says.....I'm not sure how to heal. I'm not sure I can relinquish the hold on all my broken pieces so a new me can fall in place.
But what I do know is this...God hasn't given up on me though I know not how. I know this because he keeps showing me in words, in verse, in song, in others. Just like God knew no man could roll the stone away from the grave and that those who witnessed it were in need of something tangible, He is giving me tangible resources, examples, at the very moment that I need them..
"For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.: II Corinthians 7:10
What I also was as a child (despite being very outspoken/opinionated) was "the good kid;" "the teacher's pet." I followed most of the rules, didn't do anything very deviant. I towed the line, so to speak. Until I didn't.......and I've never been able to handle the ensuing chaos since then.
So where am I going with all of this? I have been battling very hard for the past 18 months or so a strong conviction. Battling, yes that would be the right word. Yet this same theme keeps popping up in the most random of places in my life---from a Bible lesson to a pinterest board, it is there. I first was hit with this lesson about 10 yrs ago. 10 years!!! I read this verse : "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh" Ezekiel 36:26. At the time I was really hit by the correlation in this verse and the stone being removed from the grave--Mary had to SEE the stone moved to know Jesus was arisen. With the removal of the stone, His words came to life---he was risen and in HIm we had eternal life. A new life. He has the ability to heal; the ability to remove the stones from our lives that are seemingly impossible to move. Hold on to this thought because it becomes really important in a minute.
NOw off on a little tangent....about 18 months ago I was HIT hard with a conviction about the verse that says we inherit the sins of our fathers--like 5 generations worth. Now if you know my parents, you know they are some of the most genuine, kind, giving people you will ever meet. I would be nowhere without them. What you don't know is that past generations were not this way. There was a lot of abuse and maltreatment on my mother's side of the family. 18 months ago I called my mom's baby brother and asked him if he felt those were inheritable traits. I asked him because just that day my grandmother had been very hateful, vicious and nasty towards me; and then tried to physically assault my youngest son. Now I had heard stories but she had never presented that side to me. And I was angry!! But not for the reasons that many might think---I became angry because in that moment, I was faced with a mirror image of myself. And I didn't like it. I hated it. I was angry because I had to face a truth and I wasn't ready; and I was terrified because I saw it. So I called my uncle; and I told him that I was afraid I had that propensity to be that evil, vicious person....especially when I feel out of control or anxious. I had caught myself saying stuff that was spiteful and nasty---and it resulted in the crestfallen face of my youngest son. My innocent sweet boy who knows nothing but love and forgiveness in his sweet heart.
But the worst part---I took out that disgust of myself on my sick grandmother. I wasn't mean to her, but I distanced myself from her. I put up walls. And it hurt her. I wasted valuable days that I had with her in pseudo-relationship mode I loved her very much, but I was too prideful to face the facts that I, Me, Misty, was broken. At her funeral last October the same uncle I confided in gave her eulogy. He talked about Jesus and his ability to save. He talked about Jesus' love for us and how it was displayed in the ultimate sacrifice for our future. He talked about how she came to know and follow God later in her life, and how she repented of the woman she used to be. And then he told this story.....Gigi spent the last 3 months of her life in a lot of pain. She was given pain pills but she refused to take them. She told my uncle that she didn't want to take them because they turned her into the woman she used to be--hateful, bullying, abusive. And she didn't want to hurt anymore people in her life. My grandmother---despite being in the ultimate pain and suffering, chose to endure so not to hurt any others. She suffered because of her love for me and my children. And I was so ungracious;
For the last year, I have struggled with this knowledge and the overwhelming guilt that comes with knowing one isn't worthy of the grace and mercy given. It really has been a reoccurring theme throughout my adult life, but this tangible, physical manifestion of Christ's love has been more than I can handle. In short, I've lost all control. Because for years (about 18 to be exact) I have struggled with the fact that God could love me with all the screw-ups I've made. Being a Christian as a young kid and teenager was easy---my life was very controlled and together, and therefore abiding in His love was an easy task. And even though God has repeatedly shown His love for me; and always provided just what I needed at the right times--I have struggled with accepting his Love for me.....accepting salvation as an adult after already been saved as a kid is intensely difficult. I imagine this must have been how Adam and Eve felt when they hid in shame due to their nakedness. THough they had freely abided in His love, their sin made them shameful and willing to hide from His love.
I cannot fix me. I have tried for years to hold on to all the broken pieces; all the shards. Hold them together deep inside so know one can see how broken I really am. For a natural healer or fixer, this is the ultimate battle. And I ask God all the time to fix me; to help but I cannot let go so the brokeness shows. I hide behind strong walls, facades built on kind words and actions---because if everyone thinks I have it together then perhaps I do. I pretend to dislike all people and to have disdain for all the stupid---but in reality I care too deeply. I pray for those around me; I try to show them love through food and encouragement and help them to see their redeeming qualities. Because in helping them I can ignore the brokeness in me. Only I can't anymore---I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm physically sick for the first time in 10 years. and I am struggling. I'm not sure how to let go and let God as the phrase says.....I'm not sure how to heal. I'm not sure I can relinquish the hold on all my broken pieces so a new me can fall in place.
But what I do know is this...God hasn't given up on me though I know not how. I know this because he keeps showing me in words, in verse, in song, in others. Just like God knew no man could roll the stone away from the grave and that those who witnessed it were in need of something tangible, He is giving me tangible resources, examples, at the very moment that I need them..
"For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.: II Corinthians 7:10
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Where has the time gone? Words and Prayers for Class of 2018
In just a few short hours (5.5 to be exact), my baby, my first born will embark on his Senior year of high school. I'm not sure how we got here, nor how i turned into one of "those" moms, but here I am knee deep in memories, tears, joys, and fears.
Dillon
When you were a little boy I celebrated every single milestone...that first smile, your first steps, that first word....celebrated!! I couldn't wait for you to achieve to each new step---and you were brilliant; far exceeding the expectations they gave for a preemie who entered the world on his terms. (This is purely an unbiased opinion, I assure you.) However, this milestone....the realization that you are entering your last year has me choked up....yes, I am still celebrating, but I am also up to my elbows in things I want to tell you, questions I have, memories I want to make.
As I said before, you have always beat to your own drum---done things in your own time, and in your own way. I love this quality about you!!! I know sometimes it seemed that some were annoyed that you weren't quick enough, or bold enough.....yet that never held you back!! You see, my sweet boy, from an early age you have been an analytical sort....sitting back, observing, calculating, until you had derived the right path for YOU. My earliest memory of this was you at 8 months and you wanted the cat, but were far too short to attain him. Instead of having a fit, or getting frustrated, you sat down, and the wheels started turning. You pulled your walker to your location, climbed on it and got your prize---the look of pride on your face was priceless. Stay true to your path!!! There will always be people that want you to do things in their time, their fashion---and there will be times that the timeline/methodology are important---but always always do what is BEST for you and those attached to you.
This year is going to be full of classes, expectations, decisions---but its also going to be full of opportunities to grow, make memories, share laughs--DON"T FORGET THOSE!! Don't worry about the future...just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keeping your eyes on the goals you've set for yourself. Enjoy the moments! Laugh!! Laugh and laugh some more!
Don't be afraid to FAIL, and FAIL BIG!! When you have a passion, belief, goal--go all out. Don't let the fears hold you back!! Failure allows you to grow; it gives you building blocks and alternate routes to explore. It is not the end of the line. And when you do fail, because we all do, remember WE HAVE YOUR BACK!! We are always here to support you; offer encouragement; to listen. ALWAYS. A lot of times being an adult means staying on the comfortable path; Have adventures; try new things, try scary things.....
Be responsible....take care of yourself. Take initiative! Go to parties---even the boring ones!
Be love! Find the lonely kid, the weird kid, or the new kid and make a point to speak to them. Make them feel special and important. Do it because everyone deserves to be loved and accepted. What you have, give. Be a leader!! YOU already have the skills to be a great one!
Be kind, even in the face of a disagreement. Hold your temper; your tongue and remember there are things much bigger in life. Count to ten, smile, make a joke--do whatever you must to find peaceful solutions--the world is full of anger and "might is right" personalities--be the difference!
And before I sign off on this first of many letters, Be kind to your mom. I know it might be annoying the amount of reminiscing I may do--but please remember this is a proud moment for me as well. It hardly seems possible that the tiny little man I brought home so many years ago has grown into a young man any mom would be proud of. I've watched you experience so much growth and confidence in the past year that it seems you've morphed into an adult overnight. It amazes me everyday and I couldn't be prouder of you. So bear with me, when I come in your room to chat in the evening---and begrudge me with thoughts of your day, goals you have, fears you have. Share these moments with me.
Remember with God in your corner, you will not fail. Words to live by:
Proverbs 2
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 16:7-11
I love you!! Class of 2018
Dillon
When you were a little boy I celebrated every single milestone...that first smile, your first steps, that first word....celebrated!! I couldn't wait for you to achieve to each new step---and you were brilliant; far exceeding the expectations they gave for a preemie who entered the world on his terms. (This is purely an unbiased opinion, I assure you.) However, this milestone....the realization that you are entering your last year has me choked up....yes, I am still celebrating, but I am also up to my elbows in things I want to tell you, questions I have, memories I want to make.
As I said before, you have always beat to your own drum---done things in your own time, and in your own way. I love this quality about you!!! I know sometimes it seemed that some were annoyed that you weren't quick enough, or bold enough.....yet that never held you back!! You see, my sweet boy, from an early age you have been an analytical sort....sitting back, observing, calculating, until you had derived the right path for YOU. My earliest memory of this was you at 8 months and you wanted the cat, but were far too short to attain him. Instead of having a fit, or getting frustrated, you sat down, and the wheels started turning. You pulled your walker to your location, climbed on it and got your prize---the look of pride on your face was priceless. Stay true to your path!!! There will always be people that want you to do things in their time, their fashion---and there will be times that the timeline/methodology are important---but always always do what is BEST for you and those attached to you.
This year is going to be full of classes, expectations, decisions---but its also going to be full of opportunities to grow, make memories, share laughs--DON"T FORGET THOSE!! Don't worry about the future...just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keeping your eyes on the goals you've set for yourself. Enjoy the moments! Laugh!! Laugh and laugh some more!
Don't be afraid to FAIL, and FAIL BIG!! When you have a passion, belief, goal--go all out. Don't let the fears hold you back!! Failure allows you to grow; it gives you building blocks and alternate routes to explore. It is not the end of the line. And when you do fail, because we all do, remember WE HAVE YOUR BACK!! We are always here to support you; offer encouragement; to listen. ALWAYS. A lot of times being an adult means staying on the comfortable path; Have adventures; try new things, try scary things.....
Be responsible....take care of yourself. Take initiative! Go to parties---even the boring ones!
Be love! Find the lonely kid, the weird kid, or the new kid and make a point to speak to them. Make them feel special and important. Do it because everyone deserves to be loved and accepted. What you have, give. Be a leader!! YOU already have the skills to be a great one!
Be kind, even in the face of a disagreement. Hold your temper; your tongue and remember there are things much bigger in life. Count to ten, smile, make a joke--do whatever you must to find peaceful solutions--the world is full of anger and "might is right" personalities--be the difference!
And before I sign off on this first of many letters, Be kind to your mom. I know it might be annoying the amount of reminiscing I may do--but please remember this is a proud moment for me as well. It hardly seems possible that the tiny little man I brought home so many years ago has grown into a young man any mom would be proud of. I've watched you experience so much growth and confidence in the past year that it seems you've morphed into an adult overnight. It amazes me everyday and I couldn't be prouder of you. So bear with me, when I come in your room to chat in the evening---and begrudge me with thoughts of your day, goals you have, fears you have. Share these moments with me.
Remember with God in your corner, you will not fail. Words to live by:
Proverbs 2
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 16:7-11
I love you!! Class of 2018
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Being chosen to be sifted.......
Okay....so first of all, its been a year since I posted anything on the blog, Almost forgot I had this, until the need to write a message hit and I knew it was way too much for a FB post. Please forgive me if this seems a bit jumbled, but my mind is on hyper-drive in a state of sleeplessness that begs to be released. NO not my mind, my heart. I promise that if you hang with me through the muck in the beginning, there is a point.
I guess I should try to go back a couple of decades to the kid-adult I was becoming. The people in my life now would never know that I once had a call to the ministry, that I felt led to serve in some capacity. And the people I knew in my teens might hardly recognize the person I've allowed myself to become. Not that the person I am now is a terrible person, but she is definitely not who she was. And that isn't all bad.....
I was born with a strong spirit....an independent, straightforward, unshakable spirit. Some might call this a strong-willed child and see it as a burden, but it too, can be a gift when used correctly. From early on I loved helping others; to make them smile and laugh. I was very involved in my church. Once in college, I was still feeling the desire to enter a field of service somewhere. I needed to love everyone. That is everyone that fit into my sheltered existence of idealism. The only thing was, up until that time of my early 20s, those I loved had done nothing but love me back. I had this grand notion that as long as you did right by others, they would do right by you. Sadly, life doesn't always work that way. In those times of trouble and sadness, I did the very thing I always did. I sucked it up. I pushed on through. I...I...I...I (Do you see what I failed to include? God, My friends, my family, my faith)
On the path of "I' can do it-----I certainly did. I did all the things that I had scoffed at or turned my nose to. In all my years of serving others and giving of myself, I never let any of them in. I never learned their stories; I stayed in mine. I never invested in others; I invested in "I do it myself." (of course, there were plenty of Angels in the trail I was blazing, but I stumbled past them on my journey; using them merely as a stepping stone.) But that trail always has come up short; always has left me yearning for more; always made me feel more and more empty as a person.
Looking back (as they say hindsight is 20/20) I can see how every trial had a moral. a lesson, but many have taken me until now to understand. Perhaps, no most assuredly, because now I am open to see and hear truths I wasn't able to then.....
The first major trial I had was betrayal. Betrayal in love and betrayal in friendships. I spent far too much time playing a victim when the truth was I wasn't the victim. I let my feelings of despair draw me into places so dark, I am ashamed to revisit them. However, without those experiences I would never have empathy the way I do now; God had to break my glass house to show me where the real beauty and strength lies and in whom one finds it. Sort of the ugliest oyster makes the prettiest pearl, if you will.
I had a failed marriage and in that failure, lost contact to my first born for 6 months. It was for the best, as I was in no situation for him to be, but it fractured our relationship. It feels often like I'm digging my way out of a clay pit by my fingernails as I try to build a relationship like it was. He is my mini-me; a "I can do it myself" kid all the way. As I ponder this relationship, the struggle it is and how my absence created a void in his faith in me----I am struck by the fact that this is how God must feel as I continue to put my faith in self instead of allowing Him the ability to lead me; to love me; to teach me. But I also am struck by the fact, that although many days are hard, God is still where I go when I am troubled (after I beaten down every exhausting path I can find) and He is still faithful in His love for me. And even though it might take me 16 years, I am learning valuable lessons everyday,
The Devil is at war----and every time I feel I am getting somewhere somewhat solid, the slick-tongued beast whispers in my ear all the reasons I am undesirable; unworthy; falling short, And I listen----and turmoil ensues. I find myself yearning for things I don't need; desiring things I am not ready for; and self-loathing as I realize my unworthiness.
The past 6 months such a war has been raging inside of me. I hate myself and take it out on those around me. Everything that reminds me of what I failure I am....Several years ago I was asked some deep questions about myself by a dear friend for which I had no answers but now I am beginning to see them. If you were to enter my home today, you would see the turmoil that I feel is so hidden. Piles of unfinished projects; clutter; dirt......all littering the landscape of my home in a perfect illustration of the uselessness I feel. And I look at it and become angry---angry at myself for not being perfect; for not being who I am supposed to be.
In the past few months, I have had several encounters with people who have decided that objectifying me and diminishing my person were the perfect way to approach me. In the past, I would've just brushed it off but now it makes me angry and it hurts and it makes me ill...Maybe just maybe the turmoil inside is the very need I have to BE VALUABLE when everything around me says no. and maybe, God is trying to reach inside to tell me this. And he sends angels along the way as I am often too deaf to listen directly to Him.
3 months ago, I had a conversation with a dear neighbor of mine. Something Sean had said frightened her and I was doing my best to assure her that all was well. I blindly told her to call on God when she is scared (that's what I'm supposed to say, right?) And she simply said, but what if my faith is small? That timid, quiet little question resonated in a way that had me digging for a way to tell her faith, no matter how small, carries one through. I even went so far as to write her a letter outlining her value and how faith as a mustard seed grows in to something so strong, even you friends can shelter there. A letter I never delivered.....too afraid I think because of the truth in those words.
So fast forward to last few weeks-----I had some revelations with the girl at work. Shared with her the fear I have at the anger and fear I have inside....and the deep NEED to end it. I am not liking who I am; I am not liking how I feel; and I certainly am not liking how my environment (including those in it) are suffering because of it. I told her I knew the simple steps I needed to get started on to become who I was intended to be, but that the steps were like giant caverns I had to cross and it seemed impossible. I decided I needed to one: work on my physical self. Two; work on my environment (if its cluttered, so will the rest of my life be)....And three, work on my spiritual self. I also expressed how lonely I am despite friends and family---that I had a desire for "my person" but was in no place to let one in. We set off on a journey to get more physically fit.. A dear friend of mine gave me a copy of the Insanity workout and its going to kill me LOL. I've started making small strides in de-cluttering my life. But I haven't been able to cross the void in my spriitual aspects. It feels like I am so disconnected. Unable to hear what is being said.
This past week---several things have occurred. I had a complete stranger say to me "until you are who God wants you to be, there will be no "person" for you" Then I watched in utter horror and sadness as the world around me began to crumble......financial losses (though small are a big deal at our budget), innocent lives lost; hate upon hateful act. And I've not slept. I knew from the past that when my body absolutely will not rest, that God is shaking me, begging me to come to intercession with Him. And so I did---2 nights in a row, I sat up and I prayed for America; prayed for my friends and family; prayed for Love. And while I know it was necessary; I still felt empty and conflicted. There was something I was missing. Something I couldn't hear.
This morning marks the 3rd day I've been unable to sleep. So I grabbed the Bible and begged to be shown what I was supposed to hear....What is going to bring me peace? And as I read, I sobbed....
"I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction" Isaiah 48:10. I. HAVE. CHOSEN. YOU. That alone had me in tears. Because in those 4 simple words, I was reminded that I have value. I was reminded that no matter how broken I am; or how tarnished---God Chose Me. and it further tells me that throughout any trial; throughout any pain....God chose me. I was reminded of a story I once read about the refining of silver. When a piece of silver is hammered into some piece of jewelry or dish, it is tarnished and ugly. It has all the marks from the hammer; seemingly bruised in color. But the silversmith takes that piece and places it deep in the fiery hot furnace. The hottest spot there is. And he keeps the it there until when he pulls it out, he sees his reflection in the surface. How fitting. Life beats and batters us; we feel as though we will never survive; yet in the worst of places, God is there watching, waiting to see His reflection.
And as I opened my email, I read this devotional:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)
The author states that Satan asked to sift (test) Peter and that God allowed it. But that He prayed for Peter to stay strong throughout the trial. and In the end Peter becomes a stronger man of God.
God chose me and God prays for me..Nothing this world throws at me; Nothing that Satan tries to remind me of will Keep those two things from happening. And though the world seems consumed by hatred and unrest; the same goes for all of God's children. He chose YOU and he prays for your faith to hold strong throughout all that trials. Two simple phrases and now my eyes droop in sleep. I hold tight to the fact that I am not lost; That I am a Child of God who is holding on to me. Nothing in my past defines me;
Pray for each other. Pray for those innocent. Pray for those blinded by emotions. Pray for the unrest. Pray for the broken. Pray for each person that you meet. I challenge each of you.....instead of making a judgement; instead of fueling the fire; Pray for each and every person. Love each and every person. You do not have to agree on every matter to love them. You do not have understand them to love them But I promise through love comes discernment. Through discernment comes peace.
God Bless you all.
I guess I should try to go back a couple of decades to the kid-adult I was becoming. The people in my life now would never know that I once had a call to the ministry, that I felt led to serve in some capacity. And the people I knew in my teens might hardly recognize the person I've allowed myself to become. Not that the person I am now is a terrible person, but she is definitely not who she was. And that isn't all bad.....
I was born with a strong spirit....an independent, straightforward, unshakable spirit. Some might call this a strong-willed child and see it as a burden, but it too, can be a gift when used correctly. From early on I loved helping others; to make them smile and laugh. I was very involved in my church. Once in college, I was still feeling the desire to enter a field of service somewhere. I needed to love everyone. That is everyone that fit into my sheltered existence of idealism. The only thing was, up until that time of my early 20s, those I loved had done nothing but love me back. I had this grand notion that as long as you did right by others, they would do right by you. Sadly, life doesn't always work that way. In those times of trouble and sadness, I did the very thing I always did. I sucked it up. I pushed on through. I...I...I...I (Do you see what I failed to include? God, My friends, my family, my faith)
On the path of "I' can do it-----I certainly did. I did all the things that I had scoffed at or turned my nose to. In all my years of serving others and giving of myself, I never let any of them in. I never learned their stories; I stayed in mine. I never invested in others; I invested in "I do it myself." (of course, there were plenty of Angels in the trail I was blazing, but I stumbled past them on my journey; using them merely as a stepping stone.) But that trail always has come up short; always has left me yearning for more; always made me feel more and more empty as a person.
Looking back (as they say hindsight is 20/20) I can see how every trial had a moral. a lesson, but many have taken me until now to understand. Perhaps, no most assuredly, because now I am open to see and hear truths I wasn't able to then.....
The first major trial I had was betrayal. Betrayal in love and betrayal in friendships. I spent far too much time playing a victim when the truth was I wasn't the victim. I let my feelings of despair draw me into places so dark, I am ashamed to revisit them. However, without those experiences I would never have empathy the way I do now; God had to break my glass house to show me where the real beauty and strength lies and in whom one finds it. Sort of the ugliest oyster makes the prettiest pearl, if you will.
I had a failed marriage and in that failure, lost contact to my first born for 6 months. It was for the best, as I was in no situation for him to be, but it fractured our relationship. It feels often like I'm digging my way out of a clay pit by my fingernails as I try to build a relationship like it was. He is my mini-me; a "I can do it myself" kid all the way. As I ponder this relationship, the struggle it is and how my absence created a void in his faith in me----I am struck by the fact that this is how God must feel as I continue to put my faith in self instead of allowing Him the ability to lead me; to love me; to teach me. But I also am struck by the fact, that although many days are hard, God is still where I go when I am troubled (after I beaten down every exhausting path I can find) and He is still faithful in His love for me. And even though it might take me 16 years, I am learning valuable lessons everyday,
The Devil is at war----and every time I feel I am getting somewhere somewhat solid, the slick-tongued beast whispers in my ear all the reasons I am undesirable; unworthy; falling short, And I listen----and turmoil ensues. I find myself yearning for things I don't need; desiring things I am not ready for; and self-loathing as I realize my unworthiness.
The past 6 months such a war has been raging inside of me. I hate myself and take it out on those around me. Everything that reminds me of what I failure I am....Several years ago I was asked some deep questions about myself by a dear friend for which I had no answers but now I am beginning to see them. If you were to enter my home today, you would see the turmoil that I feel is so hidden. Piles of unfinished projects; clutter; dirt......all littering the landscape of my home in a perfect illustration of the uselessness I feel. And I look at it and become angry---angry at myself for not being perfect; for not being who I am supposed to be.
In the past few months, I have had several encounters with people who have decided that objectifying me and diminishing my person were the perfect way to approach me. In the past, I would've just brushed it off but now it makes me angry and it hurts and it makes me ill...Maybe just maybe the turmoil inside is the very need I have to BE VALUABLE when everything around me says no. and maybe, God is trying to reach inside to tell me this. And he sends angels along the way as I am often too deaf to listen directly to Him.
3 months ago, I had a conversation with a dear neighbor of mine. Something Sean had said frightened her and I was doing my best to assure her that all was well. I blindly told her to call on God when she is scared (that's what I'm supposed to say, right?) And she simply said, but what if my faith is small? That timid, quiet little question resonated in a way that had me digging for a way to tell her faith, no matter how small, carries one through. I even went so far as to write her a letter outlining her value and how faith as a mustard seed grows in to something so strong, even you friends can shelter there. A letter I never delivered.....too afraid I think because of the truth in those words.
So fast forward to last few weeks-----I had some revelations with the girl at work. Shared with her the fear I have at the anger and fear I have inside....and the deep NEED to end it. I am not liking who I am; I am not liking how I feel; and I certainly am not liking how my environment (including those in it) are suffering because of it. I told her I knew the simple steps I needed to get started on to become who I was intended to be, but that the steps were like giant caverns I had to cross and it seemed impossible. I decided I needed to one: work on my physical self. Two; work on my environment (if its cluttered, so will the rest of my life be)....And three, work on my spiritual self. I also expressed how lonely I am despite friends and family---that I had a desire for "my person" but was in no place to let one in. We set off on a journey to get more physically fit.. A dear friend of mine gave me a copy of the Insanity workout and its going to kill me LOL. I've started making small strides in de-cluttering my life. But I haven't been able to cross the void in my spriitual aspects. It feels like I am so disconnected. Unable to hear what is being said.
This past week---several things have occurred. I had a complete stranger say to me "until you are who God wants you to be, there will be no "person" for you" Then I watched in utter horror and sadness as the world around me began to crumble......financial losses (though small are a big deal at our budget), innocent lives lost; hate upon hateful act. And I've not slept. I knew from the past that when my body absolutely will not rest, that God is shaking me, begging me to come to intercession with Him. And so I did---2 nights in a row, I sat up and I prayed for America; prayed for my friends and family; prayed for Love. And while I know it was necessary; I still felt empty and conflicted. There was something I was missing. Something I couldn't hear.
This morning marks the 3rd day I've been unable to sleep. So I grabbed the Bible and begged to be shown what I was supposed to hear....What is going to bring me peace? And as I read, I sobbed....
"I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction" Isaiah 48:10. I. HAVE. CHOSEN. YOU. That alone had me in tears. Because in those 4 simple words, I was reminded that I have value. I was reminded that no matter how broken I am; or how tarnished---God Chose Me. and it further tells me that throughout any trial; throughout any pain....God chose me. I was reminded of a story I once read about the refining of silver. When a piece of silver is hammered into some piece of jewelry or dish, it is tarnished and ugly. It has all the marks from the hammer; seemingly bruised in color. But the silversmith takes that piece and places it deep in the fiery hot furnace. The hottest spot there is. And he keeps the it there until when he pulls it out, he sees his reflection in the surface. How fitting. Life beats and batters us; we feel as though we will never survive; yet in the worst of places, God is there watching, waiting to see His reflection.
And as I opened my email, I read this devotional:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)
The author states that Satan asked to sift (test) Peter and that God allowed it. But that He prayed for Peter to stay strong throughout the trial. and In the end Peter becomes a stronger man of God.
God chose me and God prays for me..Nothing this world throws at me; Nothing that Satan tries to remind me of will Keep those two things from happening. And though the world seems consumed by hatred and unrest; the same goes for all of God's children. He chose YOU and he prays for your faith to hold strong throughout all that trials. Two simple phrases and now my eyes droop in sleep. I hold tight to the fact that I am not lost; That I am a Child of God who is holding on to me. Nothing in my past defines me;
Pray for each other. Pray for those innocent. Pray for those blinded by emotions. Pray for the unrest. Pray for the broken. Pray for each person that you meet. I challenge each of you.....instead of making a judgement; instead of fueling the fire; Pray for each and every person. Love each and every person. You do not have to agree on every matter to love them. You do not have understand them to love them But I promise through love comes discernment. Through discernment comes peace.
God Bless you all.
Friday, May 29, 2015
DATING sucks.....and other life thoughts
So this blog may seem a bit scattered, but hang with me--I promise it has a point.
A couple of months ago my eldest son turned 15---and opted to have a group of his buddies go rock climbing at a local gym and out for pizza, etc. 15 yr old boys are a hilarious group to hang out with--I recommend it for everyone. They are also very open, honest, and competitive. Their need to outdo the other on the rock climbing walls led to a very QUIET ride back home as they all all passed out LOL. But the most interesting part was a dinner---we went to this great Brick Oven pizza and everyone ordered their own personal creations. One kiddo starts talking that he will probably be moving this June because his mother is "in love"--said in a dramatically snarky fashion. Then he goes on to reply that she is so afraid to be alone and so desperate to have a man that she is planning a move after 3 weeks of knowing him. The boy was upset but trying to be cool about it---says, "I'm not even 16 and even I know that's not the way to love." I remember thinking---man, glad I'm not THAT mom---(remember this because it is important later.) I also remember wanting to grab that sweet young man and give him a big ole mommy hug, tell him to stay strong, and pray it'll all work out for them.
Around the same time, my besties, my girls decided that I need to become more girly and "put myself out there." It was doomed from the beginning. I'm closer to 40 than not and I can't remember ever really having a "girly" moment---but it was their mission and I allowed them to talk me into a transformation. The works---I got my hair cut and colored (great look btw), started wearing makeup regularly and wearing more than yoga pants, flipflops and tees. And I have to admit---the attention was kind of a pick-me-up to this momma. So much, that I yet again agreed to try the online dating scene again (a previously scarring fiasco that required a contingency plan involving my mother, a fake ER visit, and a well timed call from a deputy friend......yes it was THAT bad). Now at this point, I guess I should mention that I live in the middle of BFE Arkansas----solely to maintain a reasonable joint custody arrangement with the previously mentioned 15 yr old. It's an HOUR from anything and nobody gets here by accident----so needless to say the dating pool is non-existent, as are the opportunities for young people. Not to mention dating is hard, dating with kids is worse, and dating with a special needs kiddo is overwhelming and seemingly impossible.
So back to the online thing-----i really wasn't feeling it---and not sure what I really wanted----After all, I've convinced myself the last 7 or so yrs that I am content being single; no one is good enough or ready to meet the BUGMAN, etc, etc. Then this GUY messages me----something about if it weren't for the distance, he thinks we'd be a great match---I check him out----good looking, very solid background, single dad, etc. So we start chatting and it is going well.....really well. We talk about everything from the outdoors to travel to autism----REALLY talk about Autism---I lay out all the HARD parts----the parts people run from, the parts that scare people, the realities----because if he cannot handle those, he certainly doesn't deserve to meet the BUGMAN and enjoy the overwhelming long list of fabulous things about him. Guess what---he still wants to meet. So we do about 2-3 weeks in---and the date goes really well. We have instant chemistry; he was super easy to talk to and be around. Overall great experience.
During this time, the BUGMAN and I really start to get involved in a NWA homeschool group---a fabulous group of baby-wearers, all natural, holistic, nature/art loving people---our people. And they are wonderful with him---even when he's too rough or too loud or too HIM. We start to explore the area too---LOVE it. The parks, the museums, the activities, the resources---just so much more that I can give to him and his education in that area than I can here. So we make weekly excursions up there checking things out---the Bugman is loving it and says he loves how nice the people are to him there---they don't mind that he is weird, he says. So i contemplate what moving there would mean....because the logistics for us to move are way more than the average bear.....jobs, therapists, homes, parents, caregivers, doctors, etc.
Back to the guy----2 weeks after the first date we are planning to try another meeting---and the distance hits HIM----2 hours is a lot for 2 kids with no responsibilities to handle; its almost impossible for 2 adults with 4 kids between them to swing. The logistics alone are staggering---plus we both want that forever thing and its hard when he can't just pop over any time and vice versa. However, we decide we will still try a bit and have a 2nd date----it was still a good date, but there was something off------and a few days later he ultimately decides that he cannot handle the distance and needs more than we can pull off. I cannot blame him; don't feel upset; just disappointed that something so seemingly minute is, in reality, a major dealbreaker.....
So, in all this exploring and dating and continuing with my life journey, the journey of a local deputy was cut short in the line of duty. Working in Emergency management, having also been a dispatcher, having mostly EM friends (a lot of them LEOs), this hit way too close to home. My boys and I made posters to show our support and the decision to attend the memorial service for Deputy Sonny Smith. The processional alone had some 160 vehicles in it---the public turnout on the streets was overwhelmingly beautiful. Then the service---I'm not sure how many of you have had the honor of attending a memorial for a person in uniform--whether LEO, FF, Soldier--it doesn't matter---the brotherhood and the ceremonial components are moving. His 2 daughters spoke with such love and admiration for their daddy; his friends brought us to tears-----the memorials instill in you thoughts of admiration, patriotism, love, sadness.
So I get home from the service, had an amazing heart-to-heart with the 15 yr old about all that he witnessed---and then was left alone in the dark to my thoughts------and I was struck by the fact that I am very very alone. Forget that I've been anti-love, anti-relationship, etc---It hit me that my boys will soon be grown and gone---and I will still be alone. ALONE------that word is tremendously frightening in a way I hadn't accepted before----and I had the biggest pity party cry-fest known to man----it was pretty pathetic...... And it hit me (remember earlier)---I could easily be THAT mom----seeking love and fulfillment because being alone is a scary scary thought. And not so much the alone, but what have I done? What have I contributed to society and to mankind that didn't have some selfish reason behind it? What legacy will I leave behind if I died tomorrow?
I don't want this to be the entirety of my life-story-----and I don't want to be alone (those of you that know me---please wipe the shock off your face or I-told-you-so smirks). I am going to continue to put myself out there, and possibly take some risks---look for adventures and new places to explore, because ultimately I want my boys to have rich, fulfilling lives; to experience cultures and the arts; to love ALL of mankind; to volunteer and teach the world; etc. I may never date again (its too painful on the feels) but I will not be alone either----we shall go out into the world and engage it so that they know more than the walls of their tiny worlds. Let the adventures begin.......
A couple of months ago my eldest son turned 15---and opted to have a group of his buddies go rock climbing at a local gym and out for pizza, etc. 15 yr old boys are a hilarious group to hang out with--I recommend it for everyone. They are also very open, honest, and competitive. Their need to outdo the other on the rock climbing walls led to a very QUIET ride back home as they all all passed out LOL. But the most interesting part was a dinner---we went to this great Brick Oven pizza and everyone ordered their own personal creations. One kiddo starts talking that he will probably be moving this June because his mother is "in love"--said in a dramatically snarky fashion. Then he goes on to reply that she is so afraid to be alone and so desperate to have a man that she is planning a move after 3 weeks of knowing him. The boy was upset but trying to be cool about it---says, "I'm not even 16 and even I know that's not the way to love." I remember thinking---man, glad I'm not THAT mom---(remember this because it is important later.) I also remember wanting to grab that sweet young man and give him a big ole mommy hug, tell him to stay strong, and pray it'll all work out for them.
Around the same time, my besties, my girls decided that I need to become more girly and "put myself out there." It was doomed from the beginning. I'm closer to 40 than not and I can't remember ever really having a "girly" moment---but it was their mission and I allowed them to talk me into a transformation. The works---I got my hair cut and colored (great look btw), started wearing makeup regularly and wearing more than yoga pants, flipflops and tees. And I have to admit---the attention was kind of a pick-me-up to this momma. So much, that I yet again agreed to try the online dating scene again (a previously scarring fiasco that required a contingency plan involving my mother, a fake ER visit, and a well timed call from a deputy friend......yes it was THAT bad). Now at this point, I guess I should mention that I live in the middle of BFE Arkansas----solely to maintain a reasonable joint custody arrangement with the previously mentioned 15 yr old. It's an HOUR from anything and nobody gets here by accident----so needless to say the dating pool is non-existent, as are the opportunities for young people. Not to mention dating is hard, dating with kids is worse, and dating with a special needs kiddo is overwhelming and seemingly impossible.
So back to the online thing-----i really wasn't feeling it---and not sure what I really wanted----After all, I've convinced myself the last 7 or so yrs that I am content being single; no one is good enough or ready to meet the BUGMAN, etc, etc. Then this GUY messages me----something about if it weren't for the distance, he thinks we'd be a great match---I check him out----good looking, very solid background, single dad, etc. So we start chatting and it is going well.....really well. We talk about everything from the outdoors to travel to autism----REALLY talk about Autism---I lay out all the HARD parts----the parts people run from, the parts that scare people, the realities----because if he cannot handle those, he certainly doesn't deserve to meet the BUGMAN and enjoy the overwhelming long list of fabulous things about him. Guess what---he still wants to meet. So we do about 2-3 weeks in---and the date goes really well. We have instant chemistry; he was super easy to talk to and be around. Overall great experience.
During this time, the BUGMAN and I really start to get involved in a NWA homeschool group---a fabulous group of baby-wearers, all natural, holistic, nature/art loving people---our people. And they are wonderful with him---even when he's too rough or too loud or too HIM. We start to explore the area too---LOVE it. The parks, the museums, the activities, the resources---just so much more that I can give to him and his education in that area than I can here. So we make weekly excursions up there checking things out---the Bugman is loving it and says he loves how nice the people are to him there---they don't mind that he is weird, he says. So i contemplate what moving there would mean....because the logistics for us to move are way more than the average bear.....jobs, therapists, homes, parents, caregivers, doctors, etc.
Back to the guy----2 weeks after the first date we are planning to try another meeting---and the distance hits HIM----2 hours is a lot for 2 kids with no responsibilities to handle; its almost impossible for 2 adults with 4 kids between them to swing. The logistics alone are staggering---plus we both want that forever thing and its hard when he can't just pop over any time and vice versa. However, we decide we will still try a bit and have a 2nd date----it was still a good date, but there was something off------and a few days later he ultimately decides that he cannot handle the distance and needs more than we can pull off. I cannot blame him; don't feel upset; just disappointed that something so seemingly minute is, in reality, a major dealbreaker.....
So, in all this exploring and dating and continuing with my life journey, the journey of a local deputy was cut short in the line of duty. Working in Emergency management, having also been a dispatcher, having mostly EM friends (a lot of them LEOs), this hit way too close to home. My boys and I made posters to show our support and the decision to attend the memorial service for Deputy Sonny Smith. The processional alone had some 160 vehicles in it---the public turnout on the streets was overwhelmingly beautiful. Then the service---I'm not sure how many of you have had the honor of attending a memorial for a person in uniform--whether LEO, FF, Soldier--it doesn't matter---the brotherhood and the ceremonial components are moving. His 2 daughters spoke with such love and admiration for their daddy; his friends brought us to tears-----the memorials instill in you thoughts of admiration, patriotism, love, sadness.
So I get home from the service, had an amazing heart-to-heart with the 15 yr old about all that he witnessed---and then was left alone in the dark to my thoughts------and I was struck by the fact that I am very very alone. Forget that I've been anti-love, anti-relationship, etc---It hit me that my boys will soon be grown and gone---and I will still be alone. ALONE------that word is tremendously frightening in a way I hadn't accepted before----and I had the biggest pity party cry-fest known to man----it was pretty pathetic...... And it hit me (remember earlier)---I could easily be THAT mom----seeking love and fulfillment because being alone is a scary scary thought. And not so much the alone, but what have I done? What have I contributed to society and to mankind that didn't have some selfish reason behind it? What legacy will I leave behind if I died tomorrow?
I don't want this to be the entirety of my life-story-----and I don't want to be alone (those of you that know me---please wipe the shock off your face or I-told-you-so smirks). I am going to continue to put myself out there, and possibly take some risks---look for adventures and new places to explore, because ultimately I want my boys to have rich, fulfilling lives; to experience cultures and the arts; to love ALL of mankind; to volunteer and teach the world; etc. I may never date again (its too painful on the feels) but I will not be alone either----we shall go out into the world and engage it so that they know more than the walls of their tiny worlds. Let the adventures begin.......
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
New Year, New Beginnings, Eye Opening Conversations
So its been awhile since I blogged anything, but it certainly hasn't been uneventful here.
First, after speaking to SEVERAL parents that are homeschooling, I've decided to give Sean some time off and will begin probably Early February. In the meantime, he is doing daily reading and math games, and we try to incorporate science. The iPad is our asset for sight words, spelling, etc. He is already quite a bit relaxed, minimal behavioral issues (although late afternoon does prove a bit challenging....maybe he needs a nap?) However, once a week, we still go to the school for his weekly "therapy" session with the Behavior people. HE HATES IT!!! He cries there; talks about how much he dislikes it, and within a short time I am being called to the room because he is hiding under a desk, refusing to work, and visibly upset/crying/meltdown mode. UGH!!! I try to explain to them that we don't have those problems at home; that he works and if we hit a roadblock we take a 5 minute break, and resume the activity. And I swear she looks at me like I have an alien coming out of chest. Total "whatever" attitude. So that is something I will be looking at changing--providers, methods, something....
However, on the way to lunch I was talking to him about what happened. Granted his perception is ALWAYS a bit skewed (he frequently perceives things differently than the general consensus), He says to me that He has NEVER liked her. I said I understand that--that there are people I don't always like either, but I have to suck it up until its appropriate to let it out. And I also understood that sometimes work is just too much. He looks at me and says, "mom, I hate myself when I can't hold it together. It makes me sick, no one likes it, and I can't make it stop." Just broke my heart to hear that---But I again reassured him that I do things often that make me cringe at myself as well---What? he ponders. I said, Like when I lose my temper with you because I'm tired or I don't get it. I hate that....It makes mommy feel bad, hurts both our ears, and nobody is happy. He says, yeah, I don't really enjoy that either :). So we drive in silence for a few--then he looks at me and says mom, I love you with my whole heart. I said, I'm glad---I love you more that anything. He says---Mom, I love you because you love me even when I'm unlovable and hate my own self.
WAIT a MINUTE_____Did you SEE that PERSPECTIVE?? You Love ME when I'm UNLOVABLE.....I had to fight back the tears on that one. From an early age Sean has ALWAYS shown me a different perspective--an eye opening one. For this, Autism is such a blessing to me.
And not to leave the Teenager out---Can we say Holy Cow what a maturity he showed over the Holiday? He loves his brother deeply but struggles with how intrusive and demanding he can be. He spends part time with us and part time with his father--which is AMAZING because it gives him a break and keeps the peace. But, I was getting ready to take Sean to grandma and the Teen says, Mom I can watch him. WHAT??? Are you sure? It won't be too much? Nope mom, I've got this. And he did---He was the most AMAZING brother a kid could ask for. He played games, fixed meals, wrestled, harassed and made Sean feel special.
I've also found out things from other parents that have solidified my decision to homeschool Sean. He had told me there was bullying, abuse, etc going on and occasionally had bruises as well as significant behavioral changes. Over the holiday, a parent called me and asked me who Sean had as a teacher. I told her and she said, well I want you to know what I saw in the hall at school. I saw Sean being drug down the hallway by a teacher who had both of her hands tightly gripped to one of his. He wasn't being loud, ugly, or mad and yet this is the way she was walking with him. Just thought you'd like to know. WOW--I had suspicions but it makes ya feel validated when another parent says something.
So this year will be big and scary but God has provided so much for us already and I KNOW he will continue to. I'm looking to change jobs so that I can have my days freed up to be with Sean and take care of school/therapy/docs/etc. I'll try to keep you posted. Until then, I am SO proud of him and his progress this last month. I am a truly blessed mom
First, after speaking to SEVERAL parents that are homeschooling, I've decided to give Sean some time off and will begin probably Early February. In the meantime, he is doing daily reading and math games, and we try to incorporate science. The iPad is our asset for sight words, spelling, etc. He is already quite a bit relaxed, minimal behavioral issues (although late afternoon does prove a bit challenging....maybe he needs a nap?) However, once a week, we still go to the school for his weekly "therapy" session with the Behavior people. HE HATES IT!!! He cries there; talks about how much he dislikes it, and within a short time I am being called to the room because he is hiding under a desk, refusing to work, and visibly upset/crying/meltdown mode. UGH!!! I try to explain to them that we don't have those problems at home; that he works and if we hit a roadblock we take a 5 minute break, and resume the activity. And I swear she looks at me like I have an alien coming out of chest. Total "whatever" attitude. So that is something I will be looking at changing--providers, methods, something....
However, on the way to lunch I was talking to him about what happened. Granted his perception is ALWAYS a bit skewed (he frequently perceives things differently than the general consensus), He says to me that He has NEVER liked her. I said I understand that--that there are people I don't always like either, but I have to suck it up until its appropriate to let it out. And I also understood that sometimes work is just too much. He looks at me and says, "mom, I hate myself when I can't hold it together. It makes me sick, no one likes it, and I can't make it stop." Just broke my heart to hear that---But I again reassured him that I do things often that make me cringe at myself as well---What? he ponders. I said, Like when I lose my temper with you because I'm tired or I don't get it. I hate that....It makes mommy feel bad, hurts both our ears, and nobody is happy. He says, yeah, I don't really enjoy that either :). So we drive in silence for a few--then he looks at me and says mom, I love you with my whole heart. I said, I'm glad---I love you more that anything. He says---Mom, I love you because you love me even when I'm unlovable and hate my own self.
WAIT a MINUTE_____Did you SEE that PERSPECTIVE?? You Love ME when I'm UNLOVABLE.....I had to fight back the tears on that one. From an early age Sean has ALWAYS shown me a different perspective--an eye opening one. For this, Autism is such a blessing to me.
And not to leave the Teenager out---Can we say Holy Cow what a maturity he showed over the Holiday? He loves his brother deeply but struggles with how intrusive and demanding he can be. He spends part time with us and part time with his father--which is AMAZING because it gives him a break and keeps the peace. But, I was getting ready to take Sean to grandma and the Teen says, Mom I can watch him. WHAT??? Are you sure? It won't be too much? Nope mom, I've got this. And he did---He was the most AMAZING brother a kid could ask for. He played games, fixed meals, wrestled, harassed and made Sean feel special.
I've also found out things from other parents that have solidified my decision to homeschool Sean. He had told me there was bullying, abuse, etc going on and occasionally had bruises as well as significant behavioral changes. Over the holiday, a parent called me and asked me who Sean had as a teacher. I told her and she said, well I want you to know what I saw in the hall at school. I saw Sean being drug down the hallway by a teacher who had both of her hands tightly gripped to one of his. He wasn't being loud, ugly, or mad and yet this is the way she was walking with him. Just thought you'd like to know. WOW--I had suspicions but it makes ya feel validated when another parent says something.
So this year will be big and scary but God has provided so much for us already and I KNOW he will continue to. I'm looking to change jobs so that I can have my days freed up to be with Sean and take care of school/therapy/docs/etc. I'll try to keep you posted. Until then, I am SO proud of him and his progress this last month. I am a truly blessed mom
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Trying to expand my following....
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