Maybe a light at the end of the tunnel....(or at least a crack in it)

At the end of the school year last year, we had regressed so much that Sean spent approximately 1/6th of the semester suspended due to uncontrollable behaviors.  He was defiant; physically aggressive; and really obnoxious to be around.  I felt like all the steps forward we'd been making were for naught and was so overwhelmed by his regression.  The school was pushing for residential/psychiatric placement and I was arguing it was something more than than but couldn't prove it.

I long have thought there was a presence in his life that was pulling out behaviors but I had no proof and, lets face it, my sweet boy had built quite the name for himself.

But this year, I am being stopped by teachers and kids alike to hear PRAISE reports on Sean.  The presence that was there last year is gone; and the smiles I missed are back.  Not that we are without the occasional meltdown, but he is able to regroup and return to task with minimal effort.  Instead of requiring his hand held and constant at "arm's length" monitoring, he is now going from area to area unsupervised and doing it the correct way (quiet, walking, purposeful).  I am astounded by his changes.  I am joyful at the answered prayers.  I am amazed at what he's managed to learn already in just 2 weeks of school.  And just this week he discovered he can and wants to make his own HEALTHY lunch.

But I must admit that I am scared.  I am that mother that hovers; that shields him from the world and the world from him.  This growth is very hard for me because it is forcing me out of the web of comfort and concealment that I had created for us out of necessity and making me put faith in my son's budding independence/maturity.  How do parent's do it?  How do you know that you child is going to be okay or to make the right decisions?  How do you know he's not going to  have a bad day and the next you receive an "anonymous pissed of mother letter?"   YOU DON'T and that is terrifying to me.  I hate the unknown; I hate surprises.  I want to be able to glow in his successes but somewhere in the back of mind is always that fear, that doubt.

I am working hard to cut the apron strings to my sweet baby boy.  It is hard; it is joyous; and it is life changing.  I am seeing a glimpse of the future I always felt was there, but never was quite close to achieving.  My baby boy is going to be independent; he is going to be a successful, creative mind that gives to society an irreplaceable contribution--HIMSELF.

Learning and growing....

So school is upon us again---one 8th grader, one 1st grader, and one mom that is having an epiphany....

As I prepared Sean for 1st grade all summer long---I gradually came to the realization that my little boy is maturing, growing up.  It both saddened and excited me.  This summer he learned to put on his own shoes, run the microwave, and is trying to master the art of buttons and zippers.  At age 7, he is already wiser than most, beautiful and loving, and a bit on the affectionate side.  But perhaps the biggest change (and the one we've worked his entire life to understand) is Sean has become AWARE of his behavior and its consequences.  Before it was always someone else's fault, someone was bugging him or not listening, etc.  This summer he says the kids don't really like me anymore---and when I asked why he thought that he replied, "Because I touch them to much and have fits."  I asked if he thought he was ready to work on those issues and he agreed, but said "he'd probably mess up a bunch."  THIS IS HUGE, PEOPLE!!!! HUGE, MONUMENTAL, INDESCRIBABLE.

So i quickly contact the therapist at school and tell her I think he's finally ready to REALLY tackle social skills/self control this year and we quickly re-write some goals for the year.  I also talk to both of his new teachers and let them know of his growth this summer.  His resource teacher (new to him this year) is a tough cookie--and I LOVE it.  She sets high expectations of her kiddos (disabilities do NOT limit achievement.)  So fast forward to yesterday, his 1st day of school.  I was a bit nervous for him--knew he'd probably try to push the envelope a bit but hoped he'd recover.  He had a great day!!  He had a couple of minor incidences---he felt he wasn't being listened to until the teacher pointed out he had yet to make a request, only a disturbance. He mulled over this a bit, the looked at her directly and requested a drink.  She obliged and his response was, "oh i guess you do listen to me."  This too is big.  But the greatest sparkle of all---the moment I am most proud of--he was in his "regular ed" classroom and went to the teacher and said (are you ready for this,) "I feel like I am going to have a meltdown and I need to go back to my other class."   NO BEHAVIOR__NO PHONE CALL__NO FIT____HE USED HIS WORDS!!!!!!!!!! AND HE USED THEM CORRECTLY!!!!

I couldn't be prouder of him and then once home, he was honest that he was a little non-compliant but that he had a great day over all.  We have come LEAPS AND BOUNDS in the last 5 years with this child.  From a young man that was non-verbal, violent, and aggressive to a young man who had fits over the kids talking--to this!!!  The world is a scary place for him--the noises, the smells but his biggest cause of anxiety has always been feeling "inferior or dumb" when his brain wasn't showing the world what HE KNEW himself capable of.  I have long said that he teaches me things daily...

Recently I ran into my own nemesis of fear.  A long, deep seated fear of failure and rejection that keeps me hidden away in the dark, protected.  I decided to take a chance; a leap of faith but my fear of failure/rejection kept me from enjoying myself fully.  A sweet someone special reminded me that life sucks and I can hide behind that the rest of my life or I can do something about it.  I will try--not only for myself and relationships I wish to have, but for my boys.  How can I continue to hide in my own fears and encourage them to grow?