Okay....so first of all, its been a year since I posted anything on the blog, Almost forgot I had this, until the need to write a message hit and I knew it was way too much for a FB post. Please forgive me if this seems a bit jumbled, but my mind is on hyper-drive in a state of sleeplessness that begs to be released. NO not my mind, my heart. I promise that if you hang with me through the muck in the beginning, there is a point.
I guess I should try to go back a couple of decades to the kid-adult I was becoming. The people in my life now would never know that I once had a call to the ministry, that I felt led to serve in some capacity. And the people I knew in my teens might hardly recognize the person I've allowed myself to become. Not that the person I am now is a terrible person, but she is definitely not who she was. And that isn't all bad.....
I was born with a strong spirit....an independent, straightforward, unshakable spirit. Some might call this a strong-willed child and see it as a burden, but it too, can be a gift when used correctly. From early on I loved helping others; to make them smile and laugh. I was very involved in my church. Once in college, I was still feeling the desire to enter a field of service somewhere. I needed to love everyone. That is everyone that fit into my sheltered existence of idealism. The only thing was, up until that time of my early 20s, those I loved had done nothing but love me back. I had this grand notion that as long as you did right by others, they would do right by you. Sadly, life doesn't always work that way. In those times of trouble and sadness, I did the very thing I always did. I sucked it up. I pushed on through. I...I...I...I (Do you see what I failed to include? God, My friends, my family, my faith)
On the path of "I' can do it-----I certainly did. I did all the things that I had scoffed at or turned my nose to. In all my years of serving others and giving of myself, I never let any of them in. I never learned their stories; I stayed in mine. I never invested in others; I invested in "I do it myself." (of course, there were plenty of Angels in the trail I was blazing, but I stumbled past them on my journey; using them merely as a stepping stone.) But that trail always has come up short; always has left me yearning for more; always made me feel more and more empty as a person.
Looking back (as they say hindsight is 20/20) I can see how every trial had a moral. a lesson, but many have taken me until now to understand. Perhaps, no most assuredly, because now I am open to see and hear truths I wasn't able to then.....
The first major trial I had was betrayal. Betrayal in love and betrayal in friendships. I spent far too much time playing a victim when the truth was I wasn't the victim. I let my feelings of despair draw me into places so dark, I am ashamed to revisit them. However, without those experiences I would never have empathy the way I do now; God had to break my glass house to show me where the real beauty and strength lies and in whom one finds it. Sort of the ugliest oyster makes the prettiest pearl, if you will.
I had a failed marriage and in that failure, lost contact to my first born for 6 months. It was for the best, as I was in no situation for him to be, but it fractured our relationship. It feels often like I'm digging my way out of a clay pit by my fingernails as I try to build a relationship like it was. He is my mini-me; a "I can do it myself" kid all the way. As I ponder this relationship, the struggle it is and how my absence created a void in his faith in me----I am struck by the fact that this is how God must feel as I continue to put my faith in self instead of allowing Him the ability to lead me; to love me; to teach me. But I also am struck by the fact, that although many days are hard, God is still where I go when I am troubled (after I beaten down every exhausting path I can find) and He is still faithful in His love for me. And even though it might take me 16 years, I am learning valuable lessons everyday,
The Devil is at war----and every time I feel I am getting somewhere somewhat solid, the slick-tongued beast whispers in my ear all the reasons I am undesirable; unworthy; falling short, And I listen----and turmoil ensues. I find myself yearning for things I don't need; desiring things I am not ready for; and self-loathing as I realize my unworthiness.
The past 6 months such a war has been raging inside of me. I hate myself and take it out on those around me. Everything that reminds me of what I failure I am....Several years ago I was asked some deep questions about myself by a dear friend for which I had no answers but now I am beginning to see them. If you were to enter my home today, you would see the turmoil that I feel is so hidden. Piles of unfinished projects; clutter; dirt......all littering the landscape of my home in a perfect illustration of the uselessness I feel. And I look at it and become angry---angry at myself for not being perfect; for not being who I am supposed to be.
In the past few months, I have had several encounters with people who have decided that objectifying me and diminishing my person were the perfect way to approach me. In the past, I would've just brushed it off but now it makes me angry and it hurts and it makes me ill...Maybe just maybe the turmoil inside is the very need I have to BE VALUABLE when everything around me says no. and maybe, God is trying to reach inside to tell me this. And he sends angels along the way as I am often too deaf to listen directly to Him.
3 months ago, I had a conversation with a dear neighbor of mine. Something Sean had said frightened her and I was doing my best to assure her that all was well. I blindly told her to call on God when she is scared (that's what I'm supposed to say, right?) And she simply said, but what if my faith is small? That timid, quiet little question resonated in a way that had me digging for a way to tell her faith, no matter how small, carries one through. I even went so far as to write her a letter outlining her value and how faith as a mustard seed grows in to something so strong, even you friends can shelter there. A letter I never delivered.....too afraid I think because of the truth in those words.
So fast forward to last few weeks-----I had some revelations with the girl at work. Shared with her the fear I have at the anger and fear I have inside....and the deep NEED to end it. I am not liking who I am; I am not liking how I feel; and I certainly am not liking how my environment (including those in it) are suffering because of it. I told her I knew the simple steps I needed to get started on to become who I was intended to be, but that the steps were like giant caverns I had to cross and it seemed impossible. I decided I needed to one: work on my physical self. Two; work on my environment (if its cluttered, so will the rest of my life be)....And three, work on my spiritual self. I also expressed how lonely I am despite friends and family---that I had a desire for "my person" but was in no place to let one in. We set off on a journey to get more physically fit.. A dear friend of mine gave me a copy of the Insanity workout and its going to kill me LOL. I've started making small strides in de-cluttering my life. But I haven't been able to cross the void in my spriitual aspects. It feels like I am so disconnected. Unable to hear what is being said.
This past week---several things have occurred. I had a complete stranger say to me "until you are who God wants you to be, there will be no "person" for you" Then I watched in utter horror and sadness as the world around me began to crumble......financial losses (though small are a big deal at our budget), innocent lives lost; hate upon hateful act. And I've not slept. I knew from the past that when my body absolutely will not rest, that God is shaking me, begging me to come to intercession with Him. And so I did---2 nights in a row, I sat up and I prayed for America; prayed for my friends and family; prayed for Love. And while I know it was necessary; I still felt empty and conflicted. There was something I was missing. Something I couldn't hear.
This morning marks the 3rd day I've been unable to sleep. So I grabbed the Bible and begged to be shown what I was supposed to hear....What is going to bring me peace? And as I read, I sobbed....
"I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction" Isaiah 48:10. I. HAVE. CHOSEN. YOU. That alone had me in tears. Because in those 4 simple words, I was reminded that I have value. I was reminded that no matter how broken I am; or how tarnished---God Chose Me. and it further tells me that throughout any trial; throughout any pain....God chose me. I was reminded of a story I once read about the refining of silver. When a piece of silver is hammered into some piece of jewelry or dish, it is tarnished and ugly. It has all the marks from the hammer; seemingly bruised in color. But the silversmith takes that piece and places it deep in the fiery hot furnace. The hottest spot there is. And he keeps the it there until when he pulls it out, he sees his reflection in the surface. How fitting. Life beats and batters us; we feel as though we will never survive; yet in the worst of places, God is there watching, waiting to see His reflection.
And as I opened my email, I read this devotional:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)
The author states that Satan asked to sift (test) Peter and that God allowed it. But that He prayed for Peter to stay strong throughout the trial. and In the end Peter becomes a stronger man of God.
God chose me and God prays for me..Nothing this world throws at me; Nothing that Satan tries to remind me of will Keep those two things from happening. And though the world seems consumed by hatred and unrest; the same goes for all of God's children. He chose YOU and he prays for your faith to hold strong throughout all that trials. Two simple phrases and now my eyes droop in sleep. I hold tight to the fact that I am not lost; That I am a Child of God who is holding on to me. Nothing in my past defines me;
Pray for each other. Pray for those innocent. Pray for those blinded by emotions. Pray for the unrest. Pray for the broken. Pray for each person that you meet. I challenge each of you.....instead of making a judgement; instead of fueling the fire; Pray for each and every person. Love each and every person. You do not have to agree on every matter to love them. You do not have understand them to love them But I promise through love comes discernment. Through discernment comes peace.
God Bless you all.
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