So I know this may be very hard for some of you to digest, but I, Misty Ford, am a control freak. And a healer/fixer with severe anxiety/depression to cope with. I remember distinctly having my first panic attack at the age of 7 yrs old because I couldn't remember how to spell the word "feel." I was always so small, shy--control of my environment was my safety net. It was a necessity to my survival or so I thought. In addition to needing control in my life, I am also a fixer---I hate conflict, discord, brokeness---So I try to keep it all together, to fix it. I have done this all my life as far back as my memory serves me. The flip side of this is the fact that I am completely and utterly out of control---from my mouth, to my actions, to my thoughts....I am all over the place. However, the majority of people will never know this much as I am very good at controlling how things appear.
What I also was as a child (despite being very outspoken/opinionated) was "the good kid;" "the teacher's pet." I followed most of the rules, didn't do anything very deviant. I towed the line, so to speak. Until I didn't.......and I've never been able to handle the ensuing chaos since then.
So where am I going with all of this? I have been battling very hard for the past 18 months or so a strong conviction. Battling, yes that would be the right word. Yet this same theme keeps popping up in the most random of places in my life---from a Bible lesson to a pinterest board, it is there. I first was hit with this lesson about 10 yrs ago. 10 years!!! I read this verse : "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh" Ezekiel 36:26. At the time I was really hit by the correlation in this verse and the stone being removed from the grave--Mary had to SEE the stone moved to know Jesus was arisen. With the removal of the stone, His words came to life---he was risen and in HIm we had eternal life. A new life. He has the ability to heal; the ability to remove the stones from our lives that are seemingly impossible to move. Hold on to this thought because it becomes really important in a minute.
NOw off on a little tangent....about 18 months ago I was HIT hard with a conviction about the verse that says we inherit the sins of our fathers--like 5 generations worth. Now if you know my parents, you know they are some of the most genuine, kind, giving people you will ever meet. I would be nowhere without them. What you don't know is that past generations were not this way. There was a lot of abuse and maltreatment on my mother's side of the family. 18 months ago I called my mom's baby brother and asked him if he felt those were inheritable traits. I asked him because just that day my grandmother had been very hateful, vicious and nasty towards me; and then tried to physically assault my youngest son. Now I had heard stories but she had never presented that side to me. And I was angry!! But not for the reasons that many might think---I became angry because in that moment, I was faced with a mirror image of myself. And I didn't like it. I hated it. I was angry because I had to face a truth and I wasn't ready; and I was terrified because I saw it. So I called my uncle; and I told him that I was afraid I had that propensity to be that evil, vicious person....especially when I feel out of control or anxious. I had caught myself saying stuff that was spiteful and nasty---and it resulted in the crestfallen face of my youngest son. My innocent sweet boy who knows nothing but love and forgiveness in his sweet heart.
But the worst part---I took out that disgust of myself on my sick grandmother. I wasn't mean to her, but I distanced myself from her. I put up walls. And it hurt her. I wasted valuable days that I had with her in pseudo-relationship mode I loved her very much, but I was too prideful to face the facts that I, Me, Misty, was broken. At her funeral last October the same uncle I confided in gave her eulogy. He talked about Jesus and his ability to save. He talked about Jesus' love for us and how it was displayed in the ultimate sacrifice for our future. He talked about how she came to know and follow God later in her life, and how she repented of the woman she used to be. And then he told this story.....Gigi spent the last 3 months of her life in a lot of pain. She was given pain pills but she refused to take them. She told my uncle that she didn't want to take them because they turned her into the woman she used to be--hateful, bullying, abusive. And she didn't want to hurt anymore people in her life. My grandmother---despite being in the ultimate pain and suffering, chose to endure so not to hurt any others. She suffered because of her love for me and my children. And I was so ungracious;
For the last year, I have struggled with this knowledge and the overwhelming guilt that comes with knowing one isn't worthy of the grace and mercy given. It really has been a reoccurring theme throughout my adult life, but this tangible, physical manifestion of Christ's love has been more than I can handle. In short, I've lost all control. Because for years (about 18 to be exact) I have struggled with the fact that God could love me with all the screw-ups I've made. Being a Christian as a young kid and teenager was easy---my life was very controlled and together, and therefore abiding in His love was an easy task. And even though God has repeatedly shown His love for me; and always provided just what I needed at the right times--I have struggled with accepting his Love for me.....accepting salvation as an adult after already been saved as a kid is intensely difficult. I imagine this must have been how Adam and Eve felt when they hid in shame due to their nakedness. THough they had freely abided in His love, their sin made them shameful and willing to hide from His love.
I cannot fix me. I have tried for years to hold on to all the broken pieces; all the shards. Hold them together deep inside so know one can see how broken I really am. For a natural healer or fixer, this is the ultimate battle. And I ask God all the time to fix me; to help but I cannot let go so the brokeness shows. I hide behind strong walls, facades built on kind words and actions---because if everyone thinks I have it together then perhaps I do. I pretend to dislike all people and to have disdain for all the stupid---but in reality I care too deeply. I pray for those around me; I try to show them love through food and encouragement and help them to see their redeeming qualities. Because in helping them I can ignore the brokeness in me. Only I can't anymore---I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm physically sick for the first time in 10 years. and I am struggling. I'm not sure how to let go and let God as the phrase says.....I'm not sure how to heal. I'm not sure I can relinquish the hold on all my broken pieces so a new me can fall in place.
But what I do know is this...God hasn't given up on me though I know not how. I know this because he keeps showing me in words, in verse, in song, in others. Just like God knew no man could roll the stone away from the grave and that those who witnessed it were in need of something tangible, He is giving me tangible resources, examples, at the very moment that I need them..
"For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.: II Corinthians 7:10
Showing posts with label #love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #love. Show all posts
Monday, September 18, 2017
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Being chosen to be sifted.......
Okay....so first of all, its been a year since I posted anything on the blog, Almost forgot I had this, until the need to write a message hit and I knew it was way too much for a FB post. Please forgive me if this seems a bit jumbled, but my mind is on hyper-drive in a state of sleeplessness that begs to be released. NO not my mind, my heart. I promise that if you hang with me through the muck in the beginning, there is a point.
I guess I should try to go back a couple of decades to the kid-adult I was becoming. The people in my life now would never know that I once had a call to the ministry, that I felt led to serve in some capacity. And the people I knew in my teens might hardly recognize the person I've allowed myself to become. Not that the person I am now is a terrible person, but she is definitely not who she was. And that isn't all bad.....
I was born with a strong spirit....an independent, straightforward, unshakable spirit. Some might call this a strong-willed child and see it as a burden, but it too, can be a gift when used correctly. From early on I loved helping others; to make them smile and laugh. I was very involved in my church. Once in college, I was still feeling the desire to enter a field of service somewhere. I needed to love everyone. That is everyone that fit into my sheltered existence of idealism. The only thing was, up until that time of my early 20s, those I loved had done nothing but love me back. I had this grand notion that as long as you did right by others, they would do right by you. Sadly, life doesn't always work that way. In those times of trouble and sadness, I did the very thing I always did. I sucked it up. I pushed on through. I...I...I...I (Do you see what I failed to include? God, My friends, my family, my faith)
On the path of "I' can do it-----I certainly did. I did all the things that I had scoffed at or turned my nose to. In all my years of serving others and giving of myself, I never let any of them in. I never learned their stories; I stayed in mine. I never invested in others; I invested in "I do it myself." (of course, there were plenty of Angels in the trail I was blazing, but I stumbled past them on my journey; using them merely as a stepping stone.) But that trail always has come up short; always has left me yearning for more; always made me feel more and more empty as a person.
Looking back (as they say hindsight is 20/20) I can see how every trial had a moral. a lesson, but many have taken me until now to understand. Perhaps, no most assuredly, because now I am open to see and hear truths I wasn't able to then.....
The first major trial I had was betrayal. Betrayal in love and betrayal in friendships. I spent far too much time playing a victim when the truth was I wasn't the victim. I let my feelings of despair draw me into places so dark, I am ashamed to revisit them. However, without those experiences I would never have empathy the way I do now; God had to break my glass house to show me where the real beauty and strength lies and in whom one finds it. Sort of the ugliest oyster makes the prettiest pearl, if you will.
I had a failed marriage and in that failure, lost contact to my first born for 6 months. It was for the best, as I was in no situation for him to be, but it fractured our relationship. It feels often like I'm digging my way out of a clay pit by my fingernails as I try to build a relationship like it was. He is my mini-me; a "I can do it myself" kid all the way. As I ponder this relationship, the struggle it is and how my absence created a void in his faith in me----I am struck by the fact that this is how God must feel as I continue to put my faith in self instead of allowing Him the ability to lead me; to love me; to teach me. But I also am struck by the fact, that although many days are hard, God is still where I go when I am troubled (after I beaten down every exhausting path I can find) and He is still faithful in His love for me. And even though it might take me 16 years, I am learning valuable lessons everyday,
The Devil is at war----and every time I feel I am getting somewhere somewhat solid, the slick-tongued beast whispers in my ear all the reasons I am undesirable; unworthy; falling short, And I listen----and turmoil ensues. I find myself yearning for things I don't need; desiring things I am not ready for; and self-loathing as I realize my unworthiness.
The past 6 months such a war has been raging inside of me. I hate myself and take it out on those around me. Everything that reminds me of what I failure I am....Several years ago I was asked some deep questions about myself by a dear friend for which I had no answers but now I am beginning to see them. If you were to enter my home today, you would see the turmoil that I feel is so hidden. Piles of unfinished projects; clutter; dirt......all littering the landscape of my home in a perfect illustration of the uselessness I feel. And I look at it and become angry---angry at myself for not being perfect; for not being who I am supposed to be.
In the past few months, I have had several encounters with people who have decided that objectifying me and diminishing my person were the perfect way to approach me. In the past, I would've just brushed it off but now it makes me angry and it hurts and it makes me ill...Maybe just maybe the turmoil inside is the very need I have to BE VALUABLE when everything around me says no. and maybe, God is trying to reach inside to tell me this. And he sends angels along the way as I am often too deaf to listen directly to Him.
3 months ago, I had a conversation with a dear neighbor of mine. Something Sean had said frightened her and I was doing my best to assure her that all was well. I blindly told her to call on God when she is scared (that's what I'm supposed to say, right?) And she simply said, but what if my faith is small? That timid, quiet little question resonated in a way that had me digging for a way to tell her faith, no matter how small, carries one through. I even went so far as to write her a letter outlining her value and how faith as a mustard seed grows in to something so strong, even you friends can shelter there. A letter I never delivered.....too afraid I think because of the truth in those words.
So fast forward to last few weeks-----I had some revelations with the girl at work. Shared with her the fear I have at the anger and fear I have inside....and the deep NEED to end it. I am not liking who I am; I am not liking how I feel; and I certainly am not liking how my environment (including those in it) are suffering because of it. I told her I knew the simple steps I needed to get started on to become who I was intended to be, but that the steps were like giant caverns I had to cross and it seemed impossible. I decided I needed to one: work on my physical self. Two; work on my environment (if its cluttered, so will the rest of my life be)....And three, work on my spiritual self. I also expressed how lonely I am despite friends and family---that I had a desire for "my person" but was in no place to let one in. We set off on a journey to get more physically fit.. A dear friend of mine gave me a copy of the Insanity workout and its going to kill me LOL. I've started making small strides in de-cluttering my life. But I haven't been able to cross the void in my spriitual aspects. It feels like I am so disconnected. Unable to hear what is being said.
This past week---several things have occurred. I had a complete stranger say to me "until you are who God wants you to be, there will be no "person" for you" Then I watched in utter horror and sadness as the world around me began to crumble......financial losses (though small are a big deal at our budget), innocent lives lost; hate upon hateful act. And I've not slept. I knew from the past that when my body absolutely will not rest, that God is shaking me, begging me to come to intercession with Him. And so I did---2 nights in a row, I sat up and I prayed for America; prayed for my friends and family; prayed for Love. And while I know it was necessary; I still felt empty and conflicted. There was something I was missing. Something I couldn't hear.
This morning marks the 3rd day I've been unable to sleep. So I grabbed the Bible and begged to be shown what I was supposed to hear....What is going to bring me peace? And as I read, I sobbed....
"I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction" Isaiah 48:10. I. HAVE. CHOSEN. YOU. That alone had me in tears. Because in those 4 simple words, I was reminded that I have value. I was reminded that no matter how broken I am; or how tarnished---God Chose Me. and it further tells me that throughout any trial; throughout any pain....God chose me. I was reminded of a story I once read about the refining of silver. When a piece of silver is hammered into some piece of jewelry or dish, it is tarnished and ugly. It has all the marks from the hammer; seemingly bruised in color. But the silversmith takes that piece and places it deep in the fiery hot furnace. The hottest spot there is. And he keeps the it there until when he pulls it out, he sees his reflection in the surface. How fitting. Life beats and batters us; we feel as though we will never survive; yet in the worst of places, God is there watching, waiting to see His reflection.
And as I opened my email, I read this devotional:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)
The author states that Satan asked to sift (test) Peter and that God allowed it. But that He prayed for Peter to stay strong throughout the trial. and In the end Peter becomes a stronger man of God.
God chose me and God prays for me..Nothing this world throws at me; Nothing that Satan tries to remind me of will Keep those two things from happening. And though the world seems consumed by hatred and unrest; the same goes for all of God's children. He chose YOU and he prays for your faith to hold strong throughout all that trials. Two simple phrases and now my eyes droop in sleep. I hold tight to the fact that I am not lost; That I am a Child of God who is holding on to me. Nothing in my past defines me;
Pray for each other. Pray for those innocent. Pray for those blinded by emotions. Pray for the unrest. Pray for the broken. Pray for each person that you meet. I challenge each of you.....instead of making a judgement; instead of fueling the fire; Pray for each and every person. Love each and every person. You do not have to agree on every matter to love them. You do not have understand them to love them But I promise through love comes discernment. Through discernment comes peace.
God Bless you all.
I guess I should try to go back a couple of decades to the kid-adult I was becoming. The people in my life now would never know that I once had a call to the ministry, that I felt led to serve in some capacity. And the people I knew in my teens might hardly recognize the person I've allowed myself to become. Not that the person I am now is a terrible person, but she is definitely not who she was. And that isn't all bad.....
I was born with a strong spirit....an independent, straightforward, unshakable spirit. Some might call this a strong-willed child and see it as a burden, but it too, can be a gift when used correctly. From early on I loved helping others; to make them smile and laugh. I was very involved in my church. Once in college, I was still feeling the desire to enter a field of service somewhere. I needed to love everyone. That is everyone that fit into my sheltered existence of idealism. The only thing was, up until that time of my early 20s, those I loved had done nothing but love me back. I had this grand notion that as long as you did right by others, they would do right by you. Sadly, life doesn't always work that way. In those times of trouble and sadness, I did the very thing I always did. I sucked it up. I pushed on through. I...I...I...I (Do you see what I failed to include? God, My friends, my family, my faith)
On the path of "I' can do it-----I certainly did. I did all the things that I had scoffed at or turned my nose to. In all my years of serving others and giving of myself, I never let any of them in. I never learned their stories; I stayed in mine. I never invested in others; I invested in "I do it myself." (of course, there were plenty of Angels in the trail I was blazing, but I stumbled past them on my journey; using them merely as a stepping stone.) But that trail always has come up short; always has left me yearning for more; always made me feel more and more empty as a person.
Looking back (as they say hindsight is 20/20) I can see how every trial had a moral. a lesson, but many have taken me until now to understand. Perhaps, no most assuredly, because now I am open to see and hear truths I wasn't able to then.....
The first major trial I had was betrayal. Betrayal in love and betrayal in friendships. I spent far too much time playing a victim when the truth was I wasn't the victim. I let my feelings of despair draw me into places so dark, I am ashamed to revisit them. However, without those experiences I would never have empathy the way I do now; God had to break my glass house to show me where the real beauty and strength lies and in whom one finds it. Sort of the ugliest oyster makes the prettiest pearl, if you will.
I had a failed marriage and in that failure, lost contact to my first born for 6 months. It was for the best, as I was in no situation for him to be, but it fractured our relationship. It feels often like I'm digging my way out of a clay pit by my fingernails as I try to build a relationship like it was. He is my mini-me; a "I can do it myself" kid all the way. As I ponder this relationship, the struggle it is and how my absence created a void in his faith in me----I am struck by the fact that this is how God must feel as I continue to put my faith in self instead of allowing Him the ability to lead me; to love me; to teach me. But I also am struck by the fact, that although many days are hard, God is still where I go when I am troubled (after I beaten down every exhausting path I can find) and He is still faithful in His love for me. And even though it might take me 16 years, I am learning valuable lessons everyday,
The Devil is at war----and every time I feel I am getting somewhere somewhat solid, the slick-tongued beast whispers in my ear all the reasons I am undesirable; unworthy; falling short, And I listen----and turmoil ensues. I find myself yearning for things I don't need; desiring things I am not ready for; and self-loathing as I realize my unworthiness.
The past 6 months such a war has been raging inside of me. I hate myself and take it out on those around me. Everything that reminds me of what I failure I am....Several years ago I was asked some deep questions about myself by a dear friend for which I had no answers but now I am beginning to see them. If you were to enter my home today, you would see the turmoil that I feel is so hidden. Piles of unfinished projects; clutter; dirt......all littering the landscape of my home in a perfect illustration of the uselessness I feel. And I look at it and become angry---angry at myself for not being perfect; for not being who I am supposed to be.
In the past few months, I have had several encounters with people who have decided that objectifying me and diminishing my person were the perfect way to approach me. In the past, I would've just brushed it off but now it makes me angry and it hurts and it makes me ill...Maybe just maybe the turmoil inside is the very need I have to BE VALUABLE when everything around me says no. and maybe, God is trying to reach inside to tell me this. And he sends angels along the way as I am often too deaf to listen directly to Him.
3 months ago, I had a conversation with a dear neighbor of mine. Something Sean had said frightened her and I was doing my best to assure her that all was well. I blindly told her to call on God when she is scared (that's what I'm supposed to say, right?) And she simply said, but what if my faith is small? That timid, quiet little question resonated in a way that had me digging for a way to tell her faith, no matter how small, carries one through. I even went so far as to write her a letter outlining her value and how faith as a mustard seed grows in to something so strong, even you friends can shelter there. A letter I never delivered.....too afraid I think because of the truth in those words.
So fast forward to last few weeks-----I had some revelations with the girl at work. Shared with her the fear I have at the anger and fear I have inside....and the deep NEED to end it. I am not liking who I am; I am not liking how I feel; and I certainly am not liking how my environment (including those in it) are suffering because of it. I told her I knew the simple steps I needed to get started on to become who I was intended to be, but that the steps were like giant caverns I had to cross and it seemed impossible. I decided I needed to one: work on my physical self. Two; work on my environment (if its cluttered, so will the rest of my life be)....And three, work on my spiritual self. I also expressed how lonely I am despite friends and family---that I had a desire for "my person" but was in no place to let one in. We set off on a journey to get more physically fit.. A dear friend of mine gave me a copy of the Insanity workout and its going to kill me LOL. I've started making small strides in de-cluttering my life. But I haven't been able to cross the void in my spriitual aspects. It feels like I am so disconnected. Unable to hear what is being said.
This past week---several things have occurred. I had a complete stranger say to me "until you are who God wants you to be, there will be no "person" for you" Then I watched in utter horror and sadness as the world around me began to crumble......financial losses (though small are a big deal at our budget), innocent lives lost; hate upon hateful act. And I've not slept. I knew from the past that when my body absolutely will not rest, that God is shaking me, begging me to come to intercession with Him. And so I did---2 nights in a row, I sat up and I prayed for America; prayed for my friends and family; prayed for Love. And while I know it was necessary; I still felt empty and conflicted. There was something I was missing. Something I couldn't hear.
This morning marks the 3rd day I've been unable to sleep. So I grabbed the Bible and begged to be shown what I was supposed to hear....What is going to bring me peace? And as I read, I sobbed....
"I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction" Isaiah 48:10. I. HAVE. CHOSEN. YOU. That alone had me in tears. Because in those 4 simple words, I was reminded that I have value. I was reminded that no matter how broken I am; or how tarnished---God Chose Me. and it further tells me that throughout any trial; throughout any pain....God chose me. I was reminded of a story I once read about the refining of silver. When a piece of silver is hammered into some piece of jewelry or dish, it is tarnished and ugly. It has all the marks from the hammer; seemingly bruised in color. But the silversmith takes that piece and places it deep in the fiery hot furnace. The hottest spot there is. And he keeps the it there until when he pulls it out, he sees his reflection in the surface. How fitting. Life beats and batters us; we feel as though we will never survive; yet in the worst of places, God is there watching, waiting to see His reflection.
And as I opened my email, I read this devotional:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)
The author states that Satan asked to sift (test) Peter and that God allowed it. But that He prayed for Peter to stay strong throughout the trial. and In the end Peter becomes a stronger man of God.
God chose me and God prays for me..Nothing this world throws at me; Nothing that Satan tries to remind me of will Keep those two things from happening. And though the world seems consumed by hatred and unrest; the same goes for all of God's children. He chose YOU and he prays for your faith to hold strong throughout all that trials. Two simple phrases and now my eyes droop in sleep. I hold tight to the fact that I am not lost; That I am a Child of God who is holding on to me. Nothing in my past defines me;
Pray for each other. Pray for those innocent. Pray for those blinded by emotions. Pray for the unrest. Pray for the broken. Pray for each person that you meet. I challenge each of you.....instead of making a judgement; instead of fueling the fire; Pray for each and every person. Love each and every person. You do not have to agree on every matter to love them. You do not have understand them to love them But I promise through love comes discernment. Through discernment comes peace.
God Bless you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)