So I know this may be very hard for some of you to digest, but I, Misty Ford, am a control freak. And a healer/fixer with severe anxiety/depression to cope with. I remember distinctly having my first panic attack at the age of 7 yrs old because I couldn't remember how to spell the word "feel." I was always so small, shy--control of my environment was my safety net. It was a necessity to my survival or so I thought. In addition to needing control in my life, I am also a fixer---I hate conflict, discord, brokeness---So I try to keep it all together, to fix it. I have done this all my life as far back as my memory serves me. The flip side of this is the fact that I am completely and utterly out of control---from my mouth, to my actions, to my thoughts....I am all over the place. However, the majority of people will never know this much as I am very good at controlling how things appear.
What I also was as a child (despite being very outspoken/opinionated) was "the good kid;" "the teacher's pet." I followed most of the rules, didn't do anything very deviant. I towed the line, so to speak. Until I didn't.......and I've never been able to handle the ensuing chaos since then.
So where am I going with all of this? I have been battling very hard for the past 18 months or so a strong conviction. Battling, yes that would be the right word. Yet this same theme keeps popping up in the most random of places in my life---from a Bible lesson to a pinterest board, it is there. I first was hit with this lesson about 10 yrs ago. 10 years!!! I read this verse : "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh" Ezekiel 36:26. At the time I was really hit by the correlation in this verse and the stone being removed from the grave--Mary had to SEE the stone moved to know Jesus was arisen. With the removal of the stone, His words came to life---he was risen and in HIm we had eternal life. A new life. He has the ability to heal; the ability to remove the stones from our lives that are seemingly impossible to move. Hold on to this thought because it becomes really important in a minute.
NOw off on a little tangent....about 18 months ago I was HIT hard with a conviction about the verse that says we inherit the sins of our fathers--like 5 generations worth. Now if you know my parents, you know they are some of the most genuine, kind, giving people you will ever meet. I would be nowhere without them. What you don't know is that past generations were not this way. There was a lot of abuse and maltreatment on my mother's side of the family. 18 months ago I called my mom's baby brother and asked him if he felt those were inheritable traits. I asked him because just that day my grandmother had been very hateful, vicious and nasty towards me; and then tried to physically assault my youngest son. Now I had heard stories but she had never presented that side to me. And I was angry!! But not for the reasons that many might think---I became angry because in that moment, I was faced with a mirror image of myself. And I didn't like it. I hated it. I was angry because I had to face a truth and I wasn't ready; and I was terrified because I saw it. So I called my uncle; and I told him that I was afraid I had that propensity to be that evil, vicious person....especially when I feel out of control or anxious. I had caught myself saying stuff that was spiteful and nasty---and it resulted in the crestfallen face of my youngest son. My innocent sweet boy who knows nothing but love and forgiveness in his sweet heart.
But the worst part---I took out that disgust of myself on my sick grandmother. I wasn't mean to her, but I distanced myself from her. I put up walls. And it hurt her. I wasted valuable days that I had with her in pseudo-relationship mode I loved her very much, but I was too prideful to face the facts that I, Me, Misty, was broken. At her funeral last October the same uncle I confided in gave her eulogy. He talked about Jesus and his ability to save. He talked about Jesus' love for us and how it was displayed in the ultimate sacrifice for our future. He talked about how she came to know and follow God later in her life, and how she repented of the woman she used to be. And then he told this story.....Gigi spent the last 3 months of her life in a lot of pain. She was given pain pills but she refused to take them. She told my uncle that she didn't want to take them because they turned her into the woman she used to be--hateful, bullying, abusive. And she didn't want to hurt anymore people in her life. My grandmother---despite being in the ultimate pain and suffering, chose to endure so not to hurt any others. She suffered because of her love for me and my children. And I was so ungracious;
For the last year, I have struggled with this knowledge and the overwhelming guilt that comes with knowing one isn't worthy of the grace and mercy given. It really has been a reoccurring theme throughout my adult life, but this tangible, physical manifestion of Christ's love has been more than I can handle. In short, I've lost all control. Because for years (about 18 to be exact) I have struggled with the fact that God could love me with all the screw-ups I've made. Being a Christian as a young kid and teenager was easy---my life was very controlled and together, and therefore abiding in His love was an easy task. And even though God has repeatedly shown His love for me; and always provided just what I needed at the right times--I have struggled with accepting his Love for me.....accepting salvation as an adult after already been saved as a kid is intensely difficult. I imagine this must have been how Adam and Eve felt when they hid in shame due to their nakedness. THough they had freely abided in His love, their sin made them shameful and willing to hide from His love.
I cannot fix me. I have tried for years to hold on to all the broken pieces; all the shards. Hold them together deep inside so know one can see how broken I really am. For a natural healer or fixer, this is the ultimate battle. And I ask God all the time to fix me; to help but I cannot let go so the brokeness shows. I hide behind strong walls, facades built on kind words and actions---because if everyone thinks I have it together then perhaps I do. I pretend to dislike all people and to have disdain for all the stupid---but in reality I care too deeply. I pray for those around me; I try to show them love through food and encouragement and help them to see their redeeming qualities. Because in helping them I can ignore the brokeness in me. Only I can't anymore---I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm physically sick for the first time in 10 years. and I am struggling. I'm not sure how to let go and let God as the phrase says.....I'm not sure how to heal. I'm not sure I can relinquish the hold on all my broken pieces so a new me can fall in place.
But what I do know is this...God hasn't given up on me though I know not how. I know this because he keeps showing me in words, in verse, in song, in others. Just like God knew no man could roll the stone away from the grave and that those who witnessed it were in need of something tangible, He is giving me tangible resources, examples, at the very moment that I need them..
"For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.: II Corinthians 7:10
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