Well here it is, 2020---feels like its been eons since I felt like blogging or had something to say. But these past few months have been challenging and God has made his presence known repeatedly--and VERY clear this past week.
So the past couple of weeks I have been trying to decide what my word would be for 2020--what would I own and study and pray about for the coming year. Would it be change? Strength? Spiritual growth? Well it was revealed Sunday and lets just say, I wasn't happy. But things that create the most growth are rarely pleasing.
If you have read past blogs, you know that my youngest son is on the spectrum. You have read all about the ups and downs, the laughter, tears, and frustrations that come with a child like that. Well, it compares nothing to having a child in the throes of puberty and autism. It has been a very hard few months on him--he's all over the place emotionally; he is experiencing severe depression/anxiety, and regression in some of the strides we had made. But we have pushed through, doing what is needed to keep ourselves going. Until last week---last week he scared me with his ideations, he aggressed towards a teacher, he shut down emotionally. Friday when it came to blows--I sat in dispatch at work and emotionally lost it. I allowed myself a momentary weakness---because I felt completely helpless. And then I pushed through--because it is what I do---I put up a wall of defense and carried about business as usual. But inwardly I felt like I had found another super low to conquer.
Sunday rolls around and mom wants to know if she should bring Sean. I said yes, we need to be in church no matter how he is acting at the moment. Sean spends church in the back in an overflow room most Sundays---the sensory overload of a worship service are often too much for him. The pastor begins talking about how in Genesis there was DARKNESS before the light--talk about an AHA moment! Then he branches into the story of Noah and the Ark---how the ONLY window was above the door some 4 stories in the air--forcing those in the Ark to look UP to see the light. (Can we say Amen?) Now at this point, I'm sitting in our pew doing all I can to stop the flow of tears. Invitation time comes and I made way to the front of the church, visibly crying. As the preacher prayed over me, an instant peace came over me. I realized, as I should have, that we are not alone in this journey. Then come to find out Sean sat INSIDE the sanctuary during church with the Church dog--and was able to tell me what church was about. YALL this is HUGE!! And then he told me that his depression makes him feel like hes in a permanent eclipse----let that hit you; can you picture a more vivid description of what is like? To be able to see a halo of light but feeling stuck in the shadows unable to access it?
Later that evening when I couldn't sleep--it hit me what my word is for 2020: Vulnerability. If you know me even a little, vulnerability is not my strong suit. I see it as a weakness and I am well known for being that pillar of strength when everyone else is falling apart. It is who I am.
So, feeling very strongly this is what God was telling me--I decided to see what the Bible has to say about Vulnerability. Paul has plenty to say....
2 Corinthians 9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly will I boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 13:4 "For though He was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, but we shall live with Him by the power of God toward you."
Romans 7:15 "I do not do what i want, but I do the very thing that I hate."
Romans 8:37 "Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."
Paul recognized that despite how much he wanted to live for Christ, he was weak, he still fell in sin. He knew that any successes and strength he had only came through Christ---and in order to obtain it, he had to lay his weaknesses before Christ's feet; he had to allow himself to be vulnerable and ask for help.
At this time in Paul's life, Corinth was full of these SUPER Christians---they had the looks, the works, the legalism, etc. Can you imagine how they received Paul---he was homeless, probably smelly and disheveled. I can imagine their haughty scoffing at him as he preaches. Reminded me of Max Lucado's book YOU ARE SPECIAL. In the book there is a town of wooden puppets---and they received stickers for being the best--best paint, highest jumps, etc. The main character had none--he wasn't athletic; his paint was chipped--then he meets a puppet on whom the stickers do not stick. She told him it was because she knew her worth in the puppet masters eyes; in Him she was perfect.
Vulnerability means allowing uncertainty into one's life. It is also about turning your eyes to the window at the top of the Ark and seeing the light through the glass---and knowing who provides the light. I am the world's worst about turning to God in my times of need---or to anyone for that matter. Seems I have to be my most desperate to remember where my strength comes from---that in my weaknesses. my times of need, God is my pillar of strength. It doesn't get any better than that!
Lauren Daigle sings "In the darkest hour when i cannot breathe; fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me; everything is crashing down, everything i had known; when i wonder if I'm all alone--- I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER, YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL TO ME; I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER, EVEN WHEN MY OWN EYES COULD NOT SEE; YOU WERE THERE, ALWAYS THERE."
Mr. Rogers says the greatest gift you can give is your honest self. God wants our vulnerabilities---he knows our hearts, and He wants us to lay it all at his feet--and in Him we will be strong.
So here is to being Vulnerable and speaking honestly with God, myself, etc I claim it 2020, I claim it
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